Sabotage

Fuckety-fuck-fuck. Last night was not good. ::::sigh:::: No, I take that back – I’m trying really hard not to think in terms of “good” or “bad,” just “different.” But I’m not feeling so great today. I did ok yesterday; I even had allotted points so I could have some popcorn and a glass of wine. As it turned out, I had enough points for two glasses of wine. I was actually really glad because I had opened a fairly nice bottle the other night, and wanted to be able to drink it rather than throw out the remainder. Problem is, 2 glasses is just enough alcohol to make me think that another drink would be a GREAT idea! So normally, if I want a glass of wine, I have one. ONE. But last night I had two. And then the margaritas and chips were calling my name: “Maaaaaaaaaaarsteeeeeeeee . . . . we’re over heeeeeeeeeere. And we’re so taaaaaaastyyyyyyyy . . . ." You get the idea. So I had another drink (just one, but that made 3, which was 2 more than I should have had, and 3 more than I needed), and most of a bag of chips. They were baked, but still. Craptastic.

And the thing is, I had a moment before I started on the margarita and the chips, where I actually thought, “This is why you always hate yourself in the morning. You should just go to sleep and call it a day.” But I didn’t want to go to sleep because I was reading a good book. And then I got all “You are not the boss of me!” and ate and drank myself silly. Can anyone say, “cutting off your nose to spite your face?” Jesus.

So today I am dehydrated, I feel like shit (not quite hungover; just general white-flour/alcohol induced shittiness), I am alternately beating myself up and trying NOT to beat myself up, and just generally feeling low.

And somewhere in the last week I started playing the “weight loss” game, instead of the “more energy” game. There are different rules, you know. The “weight loss” game says, “Hey! I have extra points left over! I could have chips and margaritas! And if I exercise, I’ll even get some EXTRA points to spend!” The “energy game,” on the other hand, says, “Hm. I know I have extra points left, but I’m not really hungry. But I do have some time before bed, so maybe I’ll take a bath or do some yoga, go read for an hour and then go to bed early. That way I’ll feel great tomorrow.” Now let me see . . . which one of those games is healthier? ::::makes thinking faces::::: Oh, could it be . . . I think it’s . . . oh, no wait! Wait . . . Maybe . . . . is it . . . I think it’s . . . oh God this is so hard to decide . . . I think . . . YES! Definitely game number 2, Bob. Definitely.

For fuck’s sake. Why do I do this to myself? I KNOW what the outcome will be. (Definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results!) And now I’m feeling all pouty and “poor me” and I HATE that! Aarrgghh!