Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Some days are harder than others

Hell, some MOMENTS are harder than others.

After having some time to think about it, I know that he’s right about breaking up. I know that somewhere along the line, instead of supporting and loving each other we started sniping at each other and hurting each other. The funny thing is that I think we both genuinely care for each other. I think that this might have been a classic rebound relationship, though. I didn’t worry too much about it because he said he’d dated someone between splitting with is wife and dating me, but now I’m wondering. So much of this was a bad concurrence of events: a rebound, combined with my own insecurity, combined with how fast we went into the relationship, combined with his stress about the divorce and his finances.

I alternate between being mad at him for loving me so much so fast, and being mad at myself for not paying attention to the red flags that I saw (like him loving me so much so fast). Professing your love in the first couple of months of a relationship is generally a VERY BAD SIGN. ::::sigh:::: But it was easier to go along with it than to stand my ground at the time. It was easier to believe that maybe it COULD happen that fast, that maybe we were lucky. It was easier to be willfully naïve.

I don’t really have much writing to do on other subjects these days. I might not for a little while.

I’m still proud of myself for functioning, when what I really want to do is sleep all friggin’ day. And I’m proud that 70% of the time, I can see the bigger picture: the energetics and the spiritual lessons. By the time it gets to evening though, it’s tougher to see.

4 comments:

Crabby McSlacker said...

God, breakups are hard.

Hopefully that 70% will grow to 100% before too long--but meantime, what a hard thing to get through.

ifitis2be said...

Hey glad 2 c u posting and taking things moment after moment. That's the only way 2 get thru this. I'm also glad u r reflecting on the experience and drawing lessons...it's amazing how we just continually deny our own friendship to ourselves. We often get these red flags but dismiss them cause we are so driven by fear. The good news is that we are at least aware of this and can therefore work on transcending it. Stay strong, you'll be alright. Karine

ifitis2be said...

Hey glad 2 c u posting and taking things moment after moment. That's the only way 2 get thru this. I'm also glad u r reflecting on the experience and drawing lessons...it's amazing how we just continually deny our own friendship to ourselves. We often get these red flags but dismiss them cause we are so driven by fear. The good news is that we are at least aware of this and can therefore work on transcending it. Stay strong, you'll be alright. Karine

MJ said...

Thanks, guys. I know it'll get better. The funny thing is, it'll get better faster if I just stop thinking about how I SHOULD be feeling (upset over basically getting dumped) and concentrate on how I REALLY feel (mostly relieved, with a little sadness). ::::sigh::::