Monday, January 07, 2008

Facing Fear - no, make that Terror

I have to admit that I don’t really feel like blogging today, but since it’s one of the habits I’m supposed to be working on, it’s not really an option. Dammit. I HATE when I make myself face . . . erm . . . myself. ::::rolls eyes::::

Mostly I have been following the Zone diet, and mostly: no cravings. But Younger Sister 1 and I went to Disneyland yesterday, and SHE HAD NEVER HAD BEIGNETS!!! I know, I know. Pick yourself up off the floor and allow your breathing to return to normal. I’ll wait. (BTW, if you’ve never had them, hie thee to the nearest French bakery – or hey, Disneyland – and EAT SOME! They are of "teh godz." Truly. But since then (and since the fact that I got up at 4:30 in the morning yesterday), I’ve been seriously craving simple carbs. I think my body is basically saying, “Listen, bee-yotch, I need fuel to run on, here! That sugar worked!! So either get some sleep or eat more sugar that I can run on!!!!!” So I’ll be in bed early tonight. Ahem.

But back to the point of this post (betcha didn’t know there was one, did ya?). I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about whether or not to post my actual weight and measurements here. On the one hand, I’m supposed to be learning that I AM OK NO MATTER WHAT I WEIGH, right? So numbers are not the defining aspect of who I am. On the other hand, I feel slightly embarrassed and ashamed, because you know, cultural programming WORKS. So I was really toying with the idea of just saying how much I’d lost or gained, without putting a weight on it. But then I remembered that meant I would have to do math every day (“Hm, x pounds minus x more pounds is a total lost of . . . ). Screw that. I hate math. Don’t get me wrong – this is not a girly thing – I’m actually pretty good at math. I just hate it.

So, with that in mind, here we go:

Ok, now. I swear:

This is really fucking hard:

Weight: 180
Waist: 35.5”

::::pant, pant:::::

::::rolls eyes::::

You know what’s weird about those measurements and the fear and loathing they generate? I’ve been heavier (and bigger). I’ve been lighter (and smaller). But no matter WHAT size I’ve EVER been, I’ve ALWAYS been ashamed. I’ve ALWAYS thought I should be smaller. Even when I was in college and starving myself, I still thought I should be smaller. Always, always smaller.

FUCK THAT. That’s part of the reason I’m posting them. If I thought that in 10 pounds, I’d feel good and have no problem posting them, I’d probably wait and post them then. But I know from (bitter) experience that with that mentality, I’ll NEVER feel ok in my own body. So here’s hoping I just took a step closer to making peace with myself – at ANY weight, as long as I’m healthy.

::::sigh:::: I’m actually a little teary. That was really hard.

On a final note, here are the 3 things I’m proud of today:
  1. I just posted my weight on the goddam INTERNET. But I think it was the right thing to do - at least for me, right now.
  2. Today is the first day that I have fulfilled ALL my New Year's habits for January - assuming I go to bed by 9:30, but since I'm exhausted, I have no worries about that one. LOL
  3. I went back to my crazy, liberal church yesterday (hence the 4:30 wake-up time: early service starts at 6:30) - and I was reminded that I really AM already ok. That was nice. (If you saw and liked "The Secret" click on the link - my pastor is the African-American dude with the dreads in the movie. Hee. :D)

Aaaaaaand, that's all, folks. I've done more than 15 minutes, and I'm tired. See you tomorrow.

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