Ok, I know it’s not Saturday, but I’ve been weighing in on Saturday – I just haven’t posted it.
For the record, that dramatic weight loss was due to the fact that a) I was in the middle of my . . . er . . . “cycle” ::::rolls eyes:::: and b) the fact that for the last 2 days I’ve been so stressed about the bf that I haven’t been able to eat much. But most of the week I’ve done well, nutritionally speaking.
I went to 2 auditions yesterday. One was an easy one, but the second one was an improv one, and I HATE those. They just freak me out. Give me some copy and put me on a camera, I’m good to go, but make it up as I go along? Oh, HELL no. ::::sigh:::: But I went anyway, and it was good for me. It’s never quite as bad as I think it will be, so that’s important to remember.
Also, I’ve done pretty well on the habits so far. I’m still struggling with going to bed earlier, but I’m working on it.
Aaaaand today I went to a networking/support group at a friend’s house. They set goals and once a month they get together to discuss how they’re doing. I wanted to go, but at the same time I really didn’t want to, because it means facing myself and developing accountability, which is tough. But I went, so yay, me.
I feel like hell. I just feel sick to my stomach from the bf anxiety. I don’t know what’s going on, if we’re on, if we’re off, anything. And I’m trying to give him some space, so I can’t really call up and ask what the hell is going on. I already asked and he said he needed to think, so I have to STFU and let him sort out what he wants. (I already said what I want, so the ball’s in his court.) And this SUCKS.
But it’s interesting. I can’t help noticing that it’s my stomach that feels gross. Guess which chakra that is? Oooooohhhh, yeah, that 3rd one. And the 3rd one is what, kids? All together, now: SELF-ESTEEM. Yay! Aren’t we special. ::::gag:::: Sorry. I’m just feeling really cynical and bitter and sick.
Honestly though, I’m noticing that I feel like, “OMG I haven’t talked to him in FOREVER” – and it’s only been 3 or 4 days. ::::wince:::: Which means I’ve probablyl been even more of a pain in the ass than I realized - and I KNEW I was a pain in the ass, so if it's been worse than I thought - Jesus. I’ve also noticed that if I think about talking to him, my stomach feels better.
Now, I realize that part of that may be because it alleviates some anxiety. But the reason it alleviates the anxiety is because I'm basically tapping into his sense of his own self-esteem and using it as though it was mine. And by propping my self-esteem up with his energy and his attention, I’ve basically become an energetic vampire, stealing his energy to use as my own. I’ve been doing it unintentionally, unconsciously, but I’ve definitely been doing it. No wonder the poor guy feels harassed: he is. I've just been draining him. Fuck. I owe this guy SUCH an apology. I just hope I get a chance to make it.
And as far as the weight goes, I find it interesting that when I DO eat, the only thing that doesn’t immediately come back up (or at least feel like it’s going to) is toast (or variations on toast: biscuits, English muffins, cheese and crackers, etc.). And that’s not exactly food that’s good for me. In fact, that food will put weight on me faster than anything else, even sugar. So here’s my body, once again, trying to plug the hole in that 3rd chakra by gaining enough weight to stop the energy loss. Poor body. I’m trying, I really am.
Actually, even bread is more likely to make me sick than not at this point, but I figure that’s a good thing. At least I’m FEELING my emotions, instead of numbing them. ::::sigh::::