Thursday, June 01, 2006

Online dating in the cereal state

I once heard someone refer to CA as the cereal state. Why? Because it’s full of fruits, nuts and flakes. Unfortunately, as much as I love my home state, I think the joke is true.

A while back I decided to try online dating. Now THERE’S an experience, kids. One that will make your standards so low so fast that someone who can use proper punctuation and has all his limbs attached to the right body parts suddenly looks like Brad Pitt with Einstein’s brain!! ::::sigh::::

I signed up for a couple of free online dating sites, but a while back I went on hiatus. My schedule had gotten to the point that I just didn’t have more than one or two free evenings in a month, and most people would like to date someone at least a LITTLE more often than that. But I left my profiles up because on one site I had some friends in the forums and on another site there were all these entertaining tests you could take to kill time. However, as soon as I posted that I was no longer dating, men started coming out of the woodwork! Seriously, my inbox messages tripled. It was ridiculous.

Most of them I politely decline with a rote message along the lines of, "Thanks for the message, but as you can see in my profile, my schedule is really busy and I just don't have time to date anyone at the moment." The really vulgar ones I just delete, but the rest I answer. I figure it's just good manners. About half of them just boggle my mind, though. I usually answer politely, all the while wondering, "What the HELL were you thinking when you wrote that??"

So for the sake of my own frustration, here are six of the most entertaining messages I've gotten so far:

Number six:

"do you have webcam?"

Ummmm, I’m gonna go with NO on that one. Definitely. Definitely NO.

Number five:

"my email is send me an email and i’ll send u sum pix"

Another one for the “Oh, HELL, no!” pile. Cock pictures, anyone?

Number four:


That’s it. No other info. No questions that I could answer to start a conversation, even if I were so inclined. Geez.

Number three (after I politely turned him down):

"Believe it or not I actually designed my profile here mainly to draw attention to my main profile on, where some of my writing is hosted. Not my screenplays, mainly musings about Life & LOVE and Wisdom of The Ancient Ones. And perhaps, not looking a little deeper at my profile may not have been such a smart move."

Wow, I really let a catch slip through my fingers! Um, the "Wisdom of The Ancient Ones?" Is he a Scientologist? And here's what you really want to do to someone who has just politely declined your advances: tell them they're dumb. And that you didn't even INTEND to get a date when you signed up on a dating site and SENT ME AN E-MAIL!! Yeah, that'll show me. Lordy.

Number two:

"Hi, I see from your profile that you are intellegent. I too, am very smart. I enjoy quoting Shakesphere and reading poetry. You definitely don’t want to get into a debate with me, though! No offense, kiddo, but you’d be in way over your head! "

Where do I begin? In 5 sentences he manages to misspell Shakespeare and intelligent (that one always slays me), and insult me! What is it with the patronization (is that even a word)? The mind reels.

And my all-time favorite:

"WoW! U R SEXXXXXXXY!!!!!! aM I UR tYpE?? WoULd LoVe It If I wErE!!! WhAt Do YoU tHiNk? Am I HOT???? oR NOT????"

After I politely said thanks, but I’m not dating at all, he replied:

"Hm. busy schedule, I understand. But we r both adults with certain NEEDS, and I was wondering if u might want to meet and get to know 1 another on ANOTHER LEVEL, if you know what I mean?"

Subtle, don’t you think? Me, too. At least he StOpPeD wRiTiNg LiKe ThiS!!!!!

Kill me now.


Carolyn said...

LMAO! Sometimes I wonder why I got married. You just reminded me!

Marste said...

Dude, seriously. It's terrifying how fast your standard lower. Now I'm stoked to meet someone who knows what punctuation means!!!

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