Circles and circles and circles and . . . you get the idea.

Last night was a bad scene. I’d been feeling restless in my head – that feeling when there are things trying to surface out of my unconscious, but they haven’t quite surfaced yet. So I feel vaguely stressed and unsettled, but I don’t have a reason for it yet. Plus I know whatever’s coming up is something that I don’t want to deal with: that’s the reason it’s been BURIED, for cryin’ out loud.

So. I called my mom and talked to her about it. I felt much better after I got off the phone, and so – big mistake – I let my guard down. I got into the tub with a glass of wine, but I left the bottle within reach. Bad idea. I finished the bottle (except for the half-glass I ended up throwing out), along with most of a bag of chips with dip, and a bunch of those French Fried Onions. Oh, and 4 cookies. ::::sigh::::

So this morning I feel really gross and bloated. But at the same time, I feel calmer. That’s the addict’s high, right there: I’ve stuffed whatever was trying to come out back into the little black hole it was trying to come out of. ::::sigh:::: This is tough to deal with around the holidays. Most of the year I just don’t keep “trigger foods” in the house. Then, when I want to binge, I flat-out can’t, because there isn’t anything in the house to binge on, except fruits and veggies, which aren’t exactly “binge-friendly” foods, LOL. But during the holidays, I entertain. A lot. So I ALWAYS have food on hand for entertaining, which includes things like cookies in the freezer and chips in the cupboard.

It’s funny: I was talking to my mom the other day about how I get so good about packing nutritious lunches and breakfasts, and then I wonder why I can’t drop weight. But the problem isn’t really what I eat at WORK: it’s what I eat when I get HOME. I’ve got the whole thing backwards. I could probably not worry too much about what I eat at work, if I’d plan out my home meals better. :P
Aaaanyway. I had weird dreams all night. I dreamed I was being chased by a giant macaw: I’m talking GIANT, like old-1950s-movie-giant. And it was going to eat me alive, swallow me whole, that kind of thing. So I was hiding up in the trees, and then I was hiding in my dead grandmother’s house, except she was alive! And then she wasn’t. And I was crying because I missed her so much, and then I woke up. ::::sigh:::: And I had a HUGE glass of water and went back to bed. When I woke up this morning, I just felt sad and tired, but still with that weird calmness that comes from avoiding conscious introspection. :P I did start writing down in my calendar which days I felt restless and stressed, and then that I binged last night. I’m wondering if there’s a predictable pattern: 4 days calm, 4 days stressed and a binge on the 9th day, or something like that. If there is, I can at least see it coming and maybe head it off a little better. The downside of that is that I have to go through the cycle a couple of times, and I’ve been trying NOT to go through the cycle. Actually, last night was the first night I’ve had like that in a long time. So we’ll see what happens. I think I’m going to hide out in bed with a journal this weekend and see how it goes.