Movin' on up

Come see me over at www.takeupyourbedandwalk.wordpress.com

It's still under construction: no blogroll or tags or anything like that - but it's up and running, more or less.

See you there!

Not tonight dear, I have a headache

I have had almost no food today (thanks a lot, stress) and 3 glasses of wine (again, stress). I'm far too toasted to blog right now.

Tomorrow I will commence regular blogging. Which is to say, I have things to talk about other than the ex. (Although I might still talk about him, too.)

If you feel that you cannot live without me (::::snort::::), check out "The Adventures of Spydra" in the "Best of" section. It's funny as hell, even if I DO say so myself. ;)

G'night.

Some days are harder than others

Hell, some MOMENTS are harder than others.

After having some time to think about it, I know that he’s right about breaking up. I know that somewhere along the line, instead of supporting and loving each other we started sniping at each other and hurting each other. The funny thing is that I think we both genuinely care for each other. I think that this might have been a classic rebound relationship, though. I didn’t worry too much about it because he said he’d dated someone between splitting with is wife and dating me, but now I’m wondering. So much of this was a bad concurrence of events: a rebound, combined with my own insecurity, combined with how fast we went into the relationship, combined with his stress about the divorce and his finances.

I alternate between being mad at him for loving me so much so fast, and being mad at myself for not paying attention to the red flags that I saw (like him loving me so much so fast). Professing your love in the first couple of months of a relationship is generally a VERY BAD SIGN. ::::sigh:::: But it was easier to go along with it than to stand my ground at the time. It was easier to believe that maybe it COULD happen that fast, that maybe we were lucky. It was easier to be willfully naïve.

I don’t really have much writing to do on other subjects these days. I might not for a little while.

I’m still proud of myself for functioning, when what I really want to do is sleep all friggin’ day. And I’m proud that 70% of the time, I can see the bigger picture: the energetics and the spiritual lessons. By the time it gets to evening though, it’s tougher to see.

The boyfriend and I broke up

I can't deal with even 15 minutes of journaling/blogging today, but here are the 3 things I'm proud of:

1. We broke up this morning, and I still made it through the entire work day without breaking down or needing to come home.
2. I stopped at the grocery store after work, which I desperately needed to do.
3. I put gas in my car after the grocery store, which I also desperately needed to do.

Basically, I'm proud of myself for functioning at all, when my emotions are such a wreck. Now I'm going to go cry my eyeballs out.

That is all.

Saturday Statistics

Ok, I know it’s not Saturday, but I’ve been weighing in on Saturday – I just haven’t posted it.

Weight: 173.6
Waist: 35”

For the record, that dramatic weight loss was due to the fact that a) I was in the middle of my . . . er . . . “cycle” ::::rolls eyes:::: and b) the fact that for the last 2 days I’ve been so stressed about the bf that I haven’t been able to eat much. But most of the week I’ve done well, nutritionally speaking.

3 things:
I went to 2 auditions yesterday. One was an easy one, but the second one was an improv one, and I HATE those. They just freak me out. Give me some copy and put me on a camera, I’m good to go, but make it up as I go along? Oh, HELL no. ::::sigh:::: But I went anyway, and it was good for me. It’s never quite as bad as I think it will be, so that’s important to remember.
Also, I’ve done pretty well on the habits so far. I’m still struggling with going to bed earlier, but I’m working on it.
Aaaaand today I went to a networking/support group at a friend’s house. They set goals and once a month they get together to discuss how they’re doing. I wanted to go, but at the same time I really didn’t want to, because it means facing myself and developing accountability, which is tough. But I went, so yay, me.

I feel like hell. I just feel sick to my stomach from the bf anxiety. I don’t know what’s going on, if we’re on, if we’re off, anything. And I’m trying to give him some space, so I can’t really call up and ask what the hell is going on. I already asked and he said he needed to think, so I have to STFU and let him sort out what he wants. (I already said what I want, so the ball’s in his court.) And this SUCKS.

But it’s interesting. I can’t help noticing that it’s my stomach that feels gross. Guess which chakra that is? Oooooohhhh, yeah, that 3rd one. And the 3rd one is what, kids? All together, now: SELF-ESTEEM. Yay! Aren’t we special. ::::gag:::: Sorry. I’m just feeling really cynical and bitter and sick.

Honestly though, I’m noticing that I feel like, “OMG I haven’t talked to him in FOREVER” – and it’s only been 3 or 4 days. ::::wince:::: Which means I’ve probablyl been even more of a pain in the ass than I realized - and I KNEW I was a pain in the ass, so if it's been worse than I thought - Jesus. I’ve also noticed that if I think about talking to him, my stomach feels better.

Now, I realize that part of that may be because it alleviates some anxiety. But the reason it alleviates the anxiety is because I'm basically tapping into his sense of his own self-esteem and using it as though it was mine. And by propping my self-esteem up with his energy and his attention, I’ve basically become an energetic vampire, stealing his energy to use as my own. I’ve been doing it unintentionally, unconsciously, but I’ve definitely been doing it. No wonder the poor guy feels harassed: he is. I've just been draining him. Fuck. I owe this guy SUCH an apology. I just hope I get a chance to make it.

And as far as the weight goes, I find it interesting that when I DO eat, the only thing that doesn’t immediately come back up (or at least feel like it’s going to) is toast (or variations on toast: biscuits, English muffins, cheese and crackers, etc.). And that’s not exactly food that’s good for me. In fact, that food will put weight on me faster than anything else, even sugar. So here’s my body, once again, trying to plug the hole in that 3rd chakra by gaining enough weight to stop the energy loss. Poor body. I’m trying, I really am.

Actually, even bread is more likely to make me sick than not at this point, but I figure that’s a good thing. At least I’m FEELING my emotions, instead of numbing them. ::::sigh::::

Those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it

After yesterday I got to thinking about why I didn’t think I deserved someone great, and when in my life I would have picked that belief up. That led me to the last time in my life when I was at this weight, and THAT led me to the emotional issues behind it, as well as the fact that I’ve gained 25 pounds since I started dating Great Guy.

Now before I start writing, I feel like I should say a few things up front:

First, I make no promises about the focus or coherence of this post. I’m writing to clear my emotions out, so I may wander all over hell’s half-acre and back again.

Second, I want to make it clear that although I’m talking about my experiences with my emotions and weight, I do not subscribe to the theory that anyone can lose weight by changing their emotions, dieting, exercising, whatever. Just as there are some people whose weight seems to be naturally teeny-tiny (I have a sister like that), there are some people whose weight is naturally NOT so teeny-tiny. When I speak of my emotional weight, I am speaking for myself. I know my weight is related to my emotions because I was not heavy throughout childhood or adolescence, and my weight changes always directly correlate with what’s going on in my emotional life.

Ok. I read somewhere that certain weights on our bodies correspond directly with certain emotional traumas in our lives. When you start to lose weight, you might be successful for a while, and then plateau abruptly. Oftentimes during those plateaus you’ll find that you’re an emotional wreck. The reason, according to this theory, is that you’re trying to process an emotional trauma that occurred the last time you were at this weight. When you process it, you break the plateau.

So I was thinking yesterday about why I didn’t think I deserved GG: about why I felt like I had to earn what was already freely given. I started thinking about past relationships and when I would have picked up that belief - or at least where I could first see it manifested - and I started thinking about a guy I fell for when I was just out of college. As I thought about it, I realized that at this moment I weigh exactly what I did then.

That guy was the “bad boy with a heart of gold” that every girl thinks she wants. The problem is that heart of gold so often is just a manipulation to get what he wants. In this guy’s case, I don’t think he was even conscious that he was doing it: it was just how he had learned to function within his own dysfunctional upbringing. I can look back now and see how foolish I was, but at the time I couldn’t see it. I tried to convince myself that I was ok with the sort of casual relationship we had, but the truth even then was that I wanted more than I knew he could give. In retrospect, I created that situation: he was very up front about what he could and couldn’t give me, and I decided that whatever he could give me was enough. And even as I decided that, I KNEW it wasn’t enough. I knew I wanted more from him. But I tried to convince myself that I could be what he wanted: casual, laid-back, uninvested emotionally.

And in doing so, I totally mind-fucked myself. At 21, already coming off the heels of an eating disorder, hating myself for untold numbers of reasons, I decided on some unconscious level that my relationship (or lack thereof) with the “bad boy” was indicative of the fact that I was inherently unlovable. It confirmed all my worst fears, which I then continued to live out in other relationships, with other men.

So when I started dating GG, I looked for who I “should” have been. I looked for the person I thought he wanted, and ignored the fact that he was already dating ME. He already loved me, the way I was. But because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that was possible, I set about reliving old patterns, trying to change myself to fit some perceived ideal. And that led to everything I posted about yesterday.

The funny thing is that I've gained weight over the last several months since I've been dating GG, right up to the weight I was when I "dated" BB. The more I've made up expectations and then tried to meet them, the more weight I've gained. Once again, my body is my reliable indicator of what's right or wrong inside my head and heart. One of these days I'll learn to recognize the signs before they get so dramatic.

Now, regardless of what happens with GG (because I can’t keep wondering if and when I’ll hear from him – all I can do is hope it works out), I have to work on myself. I have to DECIDE that I’m worth loving, that I don’t have to be what anyone else wants me to be. In fact, regardless of what happens with GG, I have to be grateful to him. Because what I can take from this is the knowledge that I HAVE BEEN LOVED FOR MYSELF. Even if I didn’t recognize it at the time.

Me, me, me

Disclaimer: this has nothing at all to do with weight. But it's what's on my mind, and since I'm supposed to write for 15 minutes no matter what, this is what you get tonight.

Last year, I met a great guy. We jumped into a full-on serious relationship way too fast. Now we’re both having second thoughts, even though I think we both enjoy each other’s company, and really like spending time together.

That’s the short version. The longer version is this: he was so great that I worried I didn’t deserve him. I felt like I had to “earn” his love, which he was already giving freely. I also felt like I was a little idealized, and that I had to make sure and stay on the pedestal I seemed to be on (obviously, I have no idea if he really put me there or not; I just FELT like I was). So I gave. And I gave. And I gave and I gave and I gave. I restructured my life around his schedule: I can’t go out this weekend, because he might be free. I can’t go out next weekend, because we’re taking the kids to the park. I can’t do this or that, or sixty thousand other things. I can’t schedule my life until I know what he’s doing. I've never been that way in any relationship, but I became that way in this one out of raging insecurity.

Here’s the thing: none of that was anything he asked me for – in fact, I don’t think he would have wanted me to do that at all. But all the same, I conned myself into believing that I was doing it for HIM, and when he got stressed about some things (unrelated to our relationship), and needed some time to himself, I felt like it was a reflection on me. I thought it meant he was upset with me or that I wasn’t perfect, or that he’d finally seen through my great exterior and didn’t love me anymore. And then I got mad at him for not being there for me.

Me, me, me.

I’m not sure at what point exactly I heard myself becoming so demanding. I do know that at some point I started thinking, “Who IS this person using my mouth? I have never behaved this way before! What the hell is wrong with me?” But I couldn’t stop. All my insecurities were in full swing, and I wanted reassurance that I was still loved.

Me, me, me.

The really funny thing is that in some ways this is NOT AT ALL about me: his stresses, what he asked (or more accurately, DIDN’T ask) me for . . . I turned it around and made it about me, when it wasn’t at all. It’s hard to face yourself when you realize that you’ve behaved so badly, been so self-centered.

Me, me, me.

The irony here though, is that in other ways this is TOTALLY about me. Not anything he did or didn’t do/say/think, but about what I think I deserve or don’t, whether or not I think I’m worthy of being loved by someone genuinely good, my fear that if I don’t live up to (unspecified and more importantly, UNHELD) expectations that it will all be taken away.

We did jump into things too fast. That’s definitely true. And I do think we should slow down: date casually or even just be friends for a while, without any pressure or expectations (again acknowledging that I am the one with the warped expectations of expectations).

Everything is up in the air right now, though – and I find myself hoping that I didn’t damage this relationship beyond repair. Truth be told, I could handle losing a boyfriend; at this point, I’m really hoping that I don’t lose a FRIEND. Because he is one of my best friends.

I really don’t feel like trying to think of 3 things I’m glad for today, but today might be the kind of day when it’s most important. So here goes:
I’m proud that I’ve been submitting for roles, because today I got a call for an audition on Saturday night.
I’m proud (that’s not really the right word but I don’t have a better one) that I am facing parts of myself that I’m NOT proud of, and acknowledging when I’ve fucked up.
I’m proud that I wrote this today, even though I just want to go to bed with some ice cream and a bottle of wine and cry (no, I won’t be doing that when I’m done here – well, maybe the crying).

Huh. I guess there were 3 things after all.