tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-274928832024-03-12T21:36:23.870-07:00Take Up Your Bed and Walk(fka You Are Not The Boss Of Me)
Learning to leave behind old perceptions and energetic investments.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-81830604575484739792008-01-24T20:39:00.000-08:002008-01-24T20:41:03.653-08:00Movin' on upCome see me over at <a href="http://www.takeupyourbedandwalk.wordpress.com/">www.takeupyourbedandwalk.wordpress.com</a><br /><br />It's still under construction: no blogroll or tags or anything like that - but it's up and running, more or less.<br /><br />See you there!Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-84800317847788294572008-01-17T19:37:00.000-08:002008-01-17T19:40:54.689-08:00Not tonight dear, I have a headacheI have had almost no food today (thanks a lot, stress) and 3 glasses of wine (again, stress). I'm far too toasted to blog right now.<br /><br />Tomorrow I will commence regular blogging. Which is to say, I have things to talk about other than the ex. (Although I might still talk about him, too.)<br /><br />If you feel that you cannot live without me (::::snort::::), check out "The Adventures of Spydra" in the "Best of" section. It's funny as hell, even if I DO say so myself. ;)<br /><br />G'night.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-90585578614392748852008-01-16T20:44:00.001-08:002008-01-16T20:44:50.107-08:00Some days are harder than othersHell, some MOMENTS are harder than others. <br /><br />After having some time to think about it, I know that he’s right about breaking up. I know that somewhere along the line, instead of supporting and loving each other we started sniping at each other and hurting each other. The funny thing is that I think we both genuinely care for each other. I think that this might have been a classic rebound relationship, though. I didn’t worry too much about it because he said he’d dated someone between splitting with is wife and dating me, but now I’m wondering. So much of this was a bad concurrence of events: a rebound, combined with my own insecurity, combined with how fast we went into the relationship, combined with his stress about the divorce and his finances. <br /><br />I alternate between being mad at him for loving me so much so fast, and being mad at myself for not paying attention to the red flags that I saw (like him loving me so much so fast). Professing your love in the first couple of months of a relationship is generally a VERY BAD SIGN. ::::sigh:::: But it was easier to go along with it than to stand my ground at the time. It was easier to believe that maybe it COULD happen that fast, that maybe we were lucky. It was easier to be willfully naïve. <br /><br />I don’t really have much writing to do on other subjects these days. I might not for a little while. <br /><br />I’m still proud of myself for functioning, when what I really want to do is sleep all friggin’ day. And I’m proud that 70% of the time, I can see the bigger picture: the energetics and the spiritual lessons. By the time it gets to evening though, it’s tougher to see.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-38374788725630681012008-01-14T19:11:00.000-08:002008-01-14T19:14:45.880-08:00The boyfriend and I broke upI can't deal with even 15 minutes of journaling/blogging today, but here are the 3 things I'm proud of:<br /><ol><li>We broke up this morning, and I still made it through the entire work day without breaking down or needing to come home.</li><li>I stopped at the grocery store after work, which I desperately needed to do.</li><li>I put gas in my car after the grocery store, which I also desperately needed to do.</li></ol><p>Basically, I'm proud of myself for functioning at all, when my emotions are such a wreck. Now I'm going to go cry my eyeballs out.</p><p>That is all.</p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-52827390626343024592008-01-13T17:41:00.000-08:002008-01-13T17:48:30.699-08:00Saturday Statistics<p>Ok, I know it’s not Saturday, but I’ve been weighing in on Saturday – I just haven’t posted it.<br /><br />Weight: 173.6<br />Waist: 35”<br /><br />For the record, that dramatic weight loss was due to the fact that a) I was in the middle of my . . . er . . . “cycle” ::::rolls eyes:::: and b) the fact that for the last 2 days I’ve been so stressed about the bf that I haven’t been able to eat much. But most of the week I’ve done well, nutritionally speaking.<br /><br />3 things:<br />I went to 2 auditions yesterday. One was an easy one, but the second one was an improv one, and I HATE those. They just freak me out. Give me some copy and put me on a camera, I’m good to go, but make it up as I go along? Oh, HELL no. ::::sigh:::: But I went anyway, and it was good for me. It’s never quite as bad as I think it will be, so that’s important to remember.<br />Also, I’ve done pretty well on the habits so far. I’m still struggling with going to bed earlier, but I’m working on it.<br />Aaaaand today I went to a networking/support group at a friend’s house. They set goals and once a month they get together to discuss how they’re doing. I wanted to go, but at the same time I really didn’t want to, because it means facing myself and developing accountability, which is tough. But I went, so yay, me.<br /><br />I feel like hell. I just feel sick to my stomach from the bf anxiety. I don’t know what’s going on, if we’re on, if we’re off, anything. And I’m trying to give him some space, so I can’t really call up and ask what the hell is going on. I already asked and he said he needed to think, so I have to STFU and let him sort out what he wants. (I already said what I want, so the ball’s in his court.) And this SUCKS.<br /><br />But it’s interesting. I can’t help noticing that it’s my stomach that feels gross. Guess which chakra that is? Oooooohhhh, yeah, that 3rd one. And the 3rd one is what, kids? All together, now: SELF-ESTEEM. Yay! Aren’t we special. ::::gag:::: Sorry. I’m just feeling really cynical and bitter and sick.<br /><br />Honestly though, I’m noticing that I feel like, “OMG I haven’t talked to him in FOREVER” – and it’s only been 3 or 4 days. ::::wince:::: Which means I’ve probablyl been even more of a pain in the ass than I realized - and I KNEW I was a pain in the ass, so if it's been worse than I thought - Jesus. I’ve also noticed that if I think about talking to him, my stomach feels better. </p><p>Now, I realize that part of that may be because it alleviates some anxiety. But the reason it alleviates the anxiety is because I'm basically tapping into his sense of his own self-esteem and using it as though it was mine. And by propping my self-esteem up with his energy and his attention, I’ve basically become an energetic vampire, stealing his energy to use as my own. I’ve been doing it unintentionally, unconsciously, but I’ve definitely been doing it. No wonder the poor guy feels harassed: he is. I've just been draining him. Fuck. I owe this guy SUCH an apology. I just hope I get a chance to make it.<br /><br />And as far as the weight goes, I find it interesting that when I DO eat, the only thing that doesn’t immediately come back up (or at least feel like it’s going to) is toast (or variations on toast: biscuits, English muffins, cheese and crackers, etc.). And that’s not exactly food that’s good for me. In fact, that food will put weight on me faster than anything else, even sugar. So here’s my body, once again, trying to plug the hole in that 3rd chakra by gaining enough weight to stop the energy loss. Poor body. I’m trying, I really am.<br /><br />Actually, even bread is more likely to make me sick than not at this point, but I figure that’s a good thing. At least I’m FEELING my emotions, instead of numbing them. ::::sigh::::</p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-46637020579227551262008-01-10T20:16:00.000-08:002008-01-10T20:20:44.698-08:00Those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it<p>After yesterday I got to thinking about why I didn’t think I deserved someone great, and when in my life I would have picked that belief up. That led me to the last time in my life when I was at this weight, and THAT led me to the emotional issues behind it, as well as the fact that I’ve gained 25 pounds since I started dating Great Guy. <br /><br />Now before I start writing, I feel like I should say a few things up front:<br /><br />First, I make no promises about the focus or coherence of this post. I’m writing to clear my emotions out, so I may wander all over hell’s half-acre and back again. <br /><br />Second, I want to make it clear that although I’m talking about my experiences with my emotions and weight, I do not subscribe to the theory that anyone can lose weight by changing their emotions, dieting, exercising, whatever. Just as there are some people whose weight seems to be naturally teeny-tiny (I have a sister like that), there are some people whose weight is naturally NOT so teeny-tiny. When I speak of my emotional weight, I am speaking for myself. I know my weight is related to my emotions because I was not heavy throughout childhood or adolescence, and my weight changes always directly correlate with what’s going on in my emotional life. <br /><br />Ok. I read somewhere that certain weights on our bodies correspond directly with certain emotional traumas in our lives. When you start to lose weight, you might be successful for a while, and then plateau abruptly. Oftentimes during those plateaus you’ll find that you’re an emotional wreck. The reason, according to this theory, is that you’re trying to process an emotional trauma that occurred the last time you were at this weight. When you process it, you break the plateau. <br /><br />So I was thinking yesterday about why I didn’t think I deserved GG: about why I felt like I had to earn what was already freely given. I started thinking about past relationships and when I would have picked up that belief - or at least where I could first see it manifested - and I started thinking about a guy I fell for when I was just out of college. As I thought about it, I realized that at this moment I weigh exactly what I did then. <br /><br />That guy was the “bad boy with a heart of gold” that every girl thinks she wants. The problem is that heart of gold so often is just a manipulation to get what he wants. In this guy’s case, I don’t think he was even conscious that he was doing it: it was just how he had learned to function within his own dysfunctional upbringing. I can look back now and see how foolish I was, but at the time I couldn’t see it. I tried to convince myself that I was ok with the sort of casual relationship we had, but the truth even then was that I wanted more than I knew he could give. In retrospect, I created that situation: he was very up front about what he could and couldn’t give me, and I decided that whatever he could give me was enough. And even as I decided that, I KNEW it wasn’t enough. I knew I wanted more from him. But I tried to convince myself that I could be what he wanted: casual, laid-back, uninvested emotionally. <br /><br />And in doing so, I totally mind-fucked myself. At 21, already coming off the heels of an eating disorder, hating myself for untold numbers of reasons, I decided on some unconscious level that my relationship (or lack thereof) with the “bad boy” was indicative of the fact that I was inherently unlovable. It confirmed all my worst fears, which I then continued to live out in other relationships, with other men. <br /><br />So when I started dating GG, I looked for who I “should” have been. I looked for the person I thought he wanted, and ignored the fact that he was already dating ME. He already loved me, the way I was. But because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that was possible, I set about reliving old patterns, trying to change myself to fit some perceived ideal. And that led to everything I posted about yesterday. </p><p>The funny thing is that I've gained weight over the last several months since I've been dating GG, right up to the weight I was when I "dated" BB. The more I've made up expectations and then tried to meet them, the more weight I've gained. Once again, my body is my reliable indicator of what's right or wrong inside my head and heart. One of these days I'll learn to recognize the signs before they get so dramatic.<br /><br />Now, regardless of what happens with GG (because I can’t keep wondering if and when I’ll hear from him – all I can do is hope it works out), I have to work on myself. I have to DECIDE that I’m worth loving, that I don’t have to be what anyone else wants me to be. In fact, regardless of what happens with GG, I have to be grateful to him. Because what I can take from this is the knowledge that I HAVE BEEN LOVED FOR MYSELF. Even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. </p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-61082277517247767932008-01-09T20:03:00.001-08:002008-01-09T20:06:07.461-08:00Me, me, me<p>Disclaimer: this has nothing at all to do with weight. But it's what's on my mind, and since I'm supposed to write for 15 minutes no matter what, this is what you get tonight.</p><p>Last year, I met a great guy. We jumped into a full-on serious relationship way too fast. Now we’re both having second thoughts, even though I think we both enjoy each other’s company, and really like spending time together.<br /><br />That’s the short version. The longer version is this: he was so great that I worried I didn’t deserve him. I felt like I had to “earn” his love, which he was already giving freely. I also felt like I was a little idealized, and that I had to make sure and stay on the pedestal I seemed to be on (obviously, I have no idea if he really put me there or not; I just FELT like I was). So I gave. And I gave. And I gave and I gave and I gave. I restructured my life around his schedule: I can’t go out this weekend, because he might be free. I can’t go out next weekend, because we’re taking the kids to the park. I can’t do this or that, or sixty thousand other things. I can’t schedule my life until I know what he’s doing. I've never been that way in any relationship, but I became that way in this one out of raging insecurity.<br /><br />Here’s the thing: none of that was anything he asked me for – in fact, I don’t think he would have wanted me to do that at all. But all the same, I conned myself into believing that I was doing it for HIM, and when he got stressed about some things (unrelated to our relationship), and needed some time to himself, I felt like it was a reflection on me. I thought it meant he was upset with me or that I wasn’t perfect, or that he’d finally seen through my great exterior and didn’t love me anymore. And then I got mad at him for not being there for me.<br /><br />Me, me, me.<br /><br />I’m not sure at what point exactly I heard myself becoming so demanding. I do know that at some point I started thinking, “Who IS this person using my mouth? I have never behaved this way before! What the hell is wrong with me?” But I couldn’t stop. All my insecurities were in full swing, and I wanted reassurance that I was still loved.<br /><br />Me, me, me.<br /><br />The really funny thing is that in some ways this is NOT AT ALL about me: his stresses, what he asked (or more accurately, DIDN’T ask) me for . . . I turned it around and made it about me, when it wasn’t at all. It’s hard to face yourself when you realize that you’ve behaved so badly, been so self-centered.<br /><br />Me, me, me.<br /><br />The irony here though, is that in other ways this is TOTALLY about me. Not anything he did or didn’t do/say/think, but about what I think I deserve or don’t, whether or not I think I’m worthy of being loved by someone genuinely good, my fear that if I don’t live up to (unspecified and more importantly, UNHELD) expectations that it will all be taken away.<br /><br />We did jump into things too fast. That’s definitely true. And I do think we should slow down: date casually or even just be friends for a while, without any pressure or expectations (again acknowledging that I am the one with the warped expectations of expectations).<br /><br />Everything is up in the air right now, though – and I find myself hoping that I didn’t damage this relationship beyond repair. Truth be told, I could handle losing a boyfriend; at this point, I’m really hoping that I don’t lose a FRIEND. Because he is one of my best friends.<br /><br />I really don’t feel like trying to think of 3 things I’m glad for today, but today might be the kind of day when it’s most important. So here goes:<br />I’m proud that I’ve been submitting for roles, because today I got a call for an audition on Saturday night.<br />I’m proud (that’s not really the right word but I don’t have a better one) that I am facing parts of myself that I’m NOT proud of, and acknowledging when I’ve fucked up.<br />I’m proud that I wrote this today, even though I just want to go to bed with some ice cream and a bottle of wine and cry (no, I won’t be doing that when I’m done here – well, maybe the crying).<br /><br />Huh. I guess there were 3 things after all.</p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-84682887309011623322008-01-08T19:35:00.001-08:002008-01-08T19:36:42.573-08:00When you just dont feel like itRight about now I am fighting my inner saboteur on EVERYTHING. I didn’t want to throw a load of laundry in, I didn’t want to clean the bathroom, I didn’t want to blog, to submit for auditions, to plan my lunch for tomorrow. <br /><br />I don’ wanna. ::::sulks::::<br /><br />But I did all those things. Well, not the lunch, but I’ll do that after I finish this. And I know it’s sabotage and not exhaustion because I got loads of sleep last night. You know all those studies they do about how if you don’t get enough sleep you’re more likely to gain weight, blah, blah, blah? For me there’s something to that, and it goes beyond the idea that if I’m tired I crave simple carbs to keep running (although that’s true, too). <br /><br />But I also have a theory that if we’re not getting enough sleep, then maybe our psyches aren’t processing all the things they need to process in order to keep us emotionally healthy. And if we’re emotionally unhealthy, then we retain weight in order to stop the chakra leakage (for lack of a less graphic term). All I know is that when I get enough sleep, my problems are WAY easier to handle. From rude phone calls to cleaning the bathroom, life is no big deal, whereas when I don’t have enough sleep everything is overwhelming. All I can do is lay on the couch and watch TV (and sometimes cry). <br /><br />But that going to bed early, man: that’s TOUGH. There’s always something else to do, “just one more minute” of stuff. Yesterday was the first day I managed to get in bed anywhere NEAR 9:30, and that was 9:45. I was thinking that I would spend 2 weeks on each habit, and add time if I needed to, and I think I’ll be needing a month on the go-to-bed-early thing. Geez. The funny thing is, it seems like it should be the easiest thing to do. ::::sigh:::: But no. Oooooooooooook, then. <br /><br />Today I am proud of the fact that I did all the stuff I was supposed to do, even though I didn’t feel like it. That’s pretty huge for me, actually.<br /><br />And I got on the scale this morning, which is the first time since Saturday (those numbers in yesterday’s post were from Saturday), and that’s huge for me: I’m usually on the scale 4 or 5 times a day, so I’m getting better.<br /><br />And I’m proud that even though I was tired and cranky most of the day (once that saboteur got started), I did NOT beat myself up about my weight. I managed to come through the day feeling ok about myself – not great, but ok. <br /><br />Man. This enlightenment shit is TOUGH.<br /><br />LOLMarstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-85175098548477828492008-01-07T19:16:00.000-08:002008-01-07T19:33:12.866-08:00Facing Fear - no, make that TerrorI have to admit that I don’t really feel like blogging today, but since it’s one of the habits I’m supposed to be working on, it’s not really an option. Dammit. I HATE when I make myself face . . . erm . . . myself. ::::rolls eyes::::<br /><br />Mostly I have been following the Zone diet, and mostly: no cravings. But Younger Sister 1 and I went to Disneyland yesterday, and SHE HAD NEVER HAD BEIGNETS!!! I know, I know. Pick yourself up off the floor and allow your breathing to return to normal. I’ll wait. (BTW, if you’ve never had them, hie thee to the nearest French bakery – or hey, Disneyland – and EAT SOME! They are of "<a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com/">teh godz</a>." Truly. But since then (and since the fact that I got up at 4:30 in the morning yesterday), I’ve been seriously craving simple carbs. I think my body is basically saying, “Listen, bee-yotch, I need fuel to run on, here! That sugar worked!! So either get some sleep or eat more sugar that I can run on!!!!!” So I’ll be in bed early tonight. Ahem.<br /><br />But back to the point of this post (betcha didn’t know there was one, did ya?). I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about whether or not to post my actual weight and measurements here. On the one hand, I’m supposed to be learning that I AM OK NO MATTER WHAT I WEIGH, right? So numbers are not the defining aspect of who I am. On the other hand, I feel slightly embarrassed and ashamed, because you know, cultural programming WORKS. So I was really toying with the idea of just saying how much I’d lost or gained, without putting a weight on it. But then I remembered that meant I would have to do math every day (“Hm, x pounds minus x more pounds is a total lost of . . . ). Screw that. I hate math. Don’t get me wrong – this is not a girly thing – I’m actually pretty good at math. I just hate it.<br /><br />So, with that in mind, here we go:<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Ok, now. I swear:<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />This is really fucking hard:<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!<br />Weight: 180<br />Waist: 35.5”<br /><br /><br /><br />AAAAAARGH!!!<br />::::pant, pant:::::<br /><br />::::rolls eyes::::<br /><br />You know what’s weird about those measurements and the fear and loathing they generate? I’ve been heavier (and bigger). I’ve been lighter (and smaller). But no matter WHAT size I’ve EVER been, I’ve ALWAYS been ashamed. I’ve ALWAYS thought I should be smaller. Even when I was in college and starving myself, I still thought I should be smaller. Always, always smaller.<br /><br />FUCK THAT. That’s part of the reason I’m posting them. If I thought that in 10 pounds, I’d feel good and have no problem posting them, I’d probably wait and post them then. But I know from (bitter) experience that with that mentality, I’ll NEVER feel ok in my own body. So here’s hoping I just took a step closer to making peace with myself – at ANY weight, as long as I’m healthy.<br /><br />::::sigh:::: I’m actually a little teary. That was really hard.<br /><br />On a final note, here are the 3 things I’m proud of today:<br /><ol><li>I just posted my weight on the goddam INTERNET. But I think it was the right thing to do - at least for me, right now.</li><li>Today is the first day that I have fulfilled ALL my New Year's habits for January - assuming I go to bed by 9:30, but since I'm exhausted, I have no worries about that one. LOL</li><li>I went back to my crazy, liberal <a href="http://www.agapelive.com/">church</a> yesterday (hence the 4:30 wake-up time: early service starts at 6:30) - and I was reminded that I really AM already ok. That was nice. (If you saw and liked "The Secret" click on the link - my pastor is the African-American dude with the dreads in the movie. Hee. :D)</li></ol><p>Aaaaaaand, that's all, folks. I've done more than 15 minutes, and I'm tired. See you tomorrow.<br /></p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-84959145161904817642008-01-04T19:45:00.000-08:002008-01-04T19:48:54.229-08:00The Morals of FoodI’ve been reading a lot of Fat Acceptance blogs lately, and I’m struck by how our society thinks of food in terms of “good” and “bad.” Obviously, I haven’t been unaware of this before now, but for some reason, I’m in the midst of a cognitive shift about it: suddenly it doesn’t seem normal to me – in fact it seems downright insane. An apple is AMORAL: it’s not good or bad – it’s just a freakin’ apple, for God’s sake! Same with a burger and fries: they’re not good or bad – they just ARE. There is no inherent virtue or sin in food.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.therotund.com/?page_id=184">AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!</a><br /><br />I think <a href="http://kateharding.net/2008/01/03/helpful-diet-tips/#comment-33558">this comment</a> (in response to a post over at Shapely Prose, which seems to be my jumping off point lately) was the first statement that got through to my disordered brain. <br /><br />::::sigh:::: Oddly enough, after reading that for a little while, my WHOLE SELF just felt lighter. Not physically lighter, but as though I had just had truckloads of guilt lifted off of me. It’s just a burger, just an apple, just a piece of toast or broccoli or pie. It’s JUST not that important. I am so grateful to have heard that today, not just to have read it, but to really truly have HEARD it.<br /><br />Aaaaanyway, here are today’s 3 things:<br /><ol><li>I didn’t plan on getting up early this morning, so I didn’t get up early. Even though I hadn’t PLANNED on getting up, when I did, I heard the mental voices start: “I can’t believe you didn’t get up earlier! You are supposed to be getting up to exercise! Can’t you stick with something for more than a day?” The REASON I am proud of myself is that I recognized that voice as WRONG. I stood in the bathroom and yelled at that voice: “No! I was NOT supposed to get up this morning – I’m not working on that habit yet, and I am entitled to sleep in if I’m freakin’ tired!! I didn’t fail at anything, and in fact I’m doing pretty damn well at the habits I AM working on! Shut up!” So I’m proud of recognizing that voice for what it is: wrong and mean.</li><li>I’m proud of myself for packing a healthy lunch and snacks for work today (and for eating them – ha!). Tasty soup and eggs and even shrimp cocktail for a snack! MMmmmmmm, shrimp. :D And I don’t have weird cravings tonight. Even better. </li><li>Finally, I’m proud of beginning the cognitive shift mentioned above. If food isn’t moral, then I don’t have to feel like a “bad person” every time I eat something. And if I’m not “bad” for eating, then I don’t have to figure that I’m already a “miserable sinner” and might as well eat the whole tin of cookies. I can just have one cookie, because you know what? It’s JUST A COOKIE. Nice. :D (I did in fact have ONE cookie today, and no desire to have any more. It was tasty, it made me happy, and then I was done. I have NEVER felt that way before. It was incredibly liberating.)</li></ol><p>So that’s tonight’s 15 minutes. Tomorrow I’m going to post some more traditional “goals,” but with the caveat that they are not as important as the new habits I’m building. <br /><br />Feeling good tonight! Woo-hoo!</p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-26918819613626808482008-01-03T19:23:00.000-08:002008-01-03T19:28:29.405-08:00Goals vs. Habits, Part 2<p>So. I had been toying with the idea of using the Flylady system of habits (not goals) on myself for a while. Not just for weight, but for emotional issues and stuff like that, too. And then the other day I read something in one of the group emails she sent out:<br /><br />It doesn’t have to be perfect to be better than it was. <br /><br />For some reason, even though I’ve seen other variations on that statement, the first time it really penetrated my skull was when I read it there. <br /><br />So with all that in mind (including Part 1, below), I decided that I would not set GOALS this New Year’s, but that I would think of 12 new HABITS I wanted to build in myself. Initially I figured one habit every month, but . . . ahem . . . there’s that whole instant gratification thing. And some of the new habits were pretty simple. So most of these are two weeks each, although some are a little longer, depending on how many times I’ve tried and failed at them. ::::sigh:::: I am hoping that these habits will cause me to drop weight by default, but I’m also trying to learn that even if I don’t lose any weight, that’s ok, too. (I do have a secret list of things I hope the habits result in – like a certain amount of weight loss – and I’ll probably post those tomorrow, but I’m trying really hard to not let them be the POINT.)<br /><br />So, here are the first 4 new habits that I’m going to work on developing:<br /> </p><ol><li>Spend 15 minutes journaling / blogging every day, including 3 things I accomplished and/or am proud of. <em>(Gotta build that 3rd chakra back up.)</em></li><li>Spend 15 minutes submitting to LA Casting every evening. <em>(Simple and accomplishable – more 3rd chakra work!)</em></li><li>Plan and pack tomorrow’s lunch and snacks for work TONIGHT. <em>(So I can stop eating crap at the commissary and save some money, too!)</em></li><li>Go to bed, lights-out, by 9:30. <em>(Ouch. This one’s hard, but eventually I want to get up and work out in the morning, and if I don’t get enough sleep, that’s never gonna happen.)</em></li></ol><p><em></em> </p><p>BTW, here’s what I’m proud of today:</p><ol><li>I got up early. Not a lot, but all I asked of myself was that I get up early; I didn’t specify a time.</li><li>I made some New Year’s Resolutions that are totally attainable, and will benefit me in the long run, instead of becoming more things I failed at.</li><li>I got the info to call LA Casting and update my headshots (which I will do tomorrow).</li></ol>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-67355288781639794462008-01-03T19:06:00.000-08:002008-01-03T19:09:29.744-08:00Goals vs. Habits, Part 1So here’s the thing: when I really put my mind to it, I can accomplish any goal I damn well please. If I am determined enough, I am fucking ACE at reaching goals. And I’ll reach them faster and better than anyone else, because I don’t have the patience to wait around: I’m all about instant gratification and WINNING.<br /><br />Go back and read those three sentences again. Now you know why I struggled with an eating disorder in college. Over the last 10 years or so, I would set a weight-loss goal, and about 3 weeks in I would suddenly realize that I was coming totally unglued. So I would stop acting like a crazy person. And then I would stop losing weight at the rate of 3 or 4 pounds a week. And THEN I would feel like a failure (even if I was still losing a little bit) and binge. I’d continue bingeing off and on for a couple of months, until I was heavier than I’d been when I started, at which point I would decide that THIS WAS IT. That weight was COMING OFF. And the cycle would repeat, and every time I’d end up a little bit heavier. After a while, I just felt like a failure all the time, because I couldn’t even lose weight anymore, and I’d been SO GOOD AT IT IN COLLEGE. I knew rationally that I was SICK in college, but emotionally I just didn’t get it: I just wanted to be thin again. Fortunately I didn’t want to be thin and SICK though, so I’ve just been heavy for a while now. <br /><br />But every New Year rolls around and I hear the siren call of “we are not a diet” Weight Watchers (::::snort:::: yeah RIGHT – “not a diet” my ASS) and that perfectionist part of me pricks up its ears in the hope that THIS year I’ll get to be thin, and fuck being healthy. So I’m always pretty leery about making resolutions and setting goals. <br /><br />A while back I found the Flylady site for housecleaning (this is not a tangent, I swear), and although she is way more politically conservative than I am, I figured, screw it, my house is always a wreck, maybe I should try something different (I just ignore the "we keep our houses clean for our husbands" angle). Her whole theory is that the reason our houses are chaotic is because we always feel like, “If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.” Or rather, wait until you have TIME to do it RIGHT. Ahem. Guilty as charged. But she’s big on the idea that you’re not “behind” in your work, and that your house didn’t get dirty overnight and it won’t get clean overnight, either. You have to build new HABITS. So I started doing that. And now when I get home from work, I throw a load of laundry in. Just one. A couple of mornings a week, before I race out the door, I swish out the bathroom: nothing major, just a quick sink wipe-down, and a quick toilet brushing. Takes 2 minutes – I timed it. Now when I look around my apartment, it’s NEVER dirty. It’s always peaceful. I like coming home. And I REALLY like not spending 3 hours every Saturday morning doing major cleaning – I’ve already done it in little bits all week. I might have to spend 10 minutes running the vacuum, but that's about it. Somewhere along the way, I became a clean person. Me, who always had piles and piles of laundry, and things growing in the bathroom because OMG I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO CLEAN PROPERLY. Little changes, little habits. And they all added up.<br /><br />Bet you know where I’m going with this, huh? ;) I’m going to break this into two posts here.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-67815853953193354522008-01-02T19:23:00.000-08:002008-01-02T19:27:29.260-08:00New Year's ResolutionsSpeaking of self-esteem and honoring the promises we make to ourselves . . .<br /><br />Last night I decided that this morning I would get up early and go running. That is a promise I have made to myself many times in the past, but THIS time, I was sure it would be different. After all, I had an EPIPHANY last night, right? Riiiiiiiight. ::::sigh:::: Last night I tossed and turned all night, and when my alarm went off at the earlier time, I had cramps like I could not believe. AND I’d slept on my shoulder funny, so now my upper back hurts like hell.<br /><br />I did not get up and go running or walking – I didn’t even get up. And as I lay there, I heard the old tapes start up in my head: “You do this to yourself EVERY time. What is WRONG with you? Why can’t you just fucking get up and do what you say you’ll do for once? God, you’re so weak!” And on and on and on. Because I felt so bad about myself, I didn’t eat well today; in fact I ate a lot of simple carbs and I was tired for most of the day. <br /><br />Now, for the most part I was able to remember that those tapes are not RIGHT, both in the sense that they are inaccurate and in the sense that they are just fucking mean. But I still felt vaguely disappointed in myself. And that, for me, is the worst feeling. I’d rather be angry with myself or frustrated or even spiteful. But that feeling of disappointment just makes me feel beaten. <br /><br />So.<br /><br />Here’s my new lesson: when I have a goal that I’ve set and failed to meet multiple times, I need to remember that unconsciously I have a LOT of certainty that I will fail again. All the good intentions in the world are not enough to overturn years of failure. In that case (and this seems like a huge DUH in retrospect, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?) it might be a better idea to start with a SMALLER freakin’ goal. Something that I haven’t failed at 50 times already. <br /><br />So with that in mind, here’s the mental progression I went through:<br />I’m going to get up every morning and walk or run. (I’ve failed at that one too many times to count.)<br />I’m going to get up early 3 days a week and walk or run. (I’ve failed at that one an awful lot, too.)<br />I’m going to get up early and do yoga. (Better – I’ve followed through on that one, but I’ve also failed at it, and since right now I’m leaning toward failure, I need to keep looking.)<br />I’m just going to get up early. (Better, but get up early and do WHAT? Because I know from experience that if I’m just getting up early for no reason, I won’t really get up.)<br />I’m going to get up early and write or read and have a cup of coffee and some time to myself. (Better still, but not quite right; coffee and quiet time won’t seem that important at 5:00am.)<br />(What is the central problem I have with getting up early? I’m always tired. How do I fix that? Ummmmm . . . .go to bed earlier?)<br />WOO-HOO! <br /><br />How about this: I’m going to go to bed early enough that getting up early starts to seem possible. I’ll revisit ACTUALLY getting up in a week or so. <br /><br />The funny thing is, I look at that idea and think, “Yeah, right. But you’re not really DOING anything!!!! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” And I’d be inclined to listen to that voice, except that THAT is the voice that always causes me to fall on my ass. So I’m thinking that if/when I find something that that voice thinks is stupid, maybe that’s exactly the thing I should be doing. The logic is a little backwards there, but fuck it. Obviously the way I’ve been doing it (listening to that voice) hasn’t worked worth a damn, so this can’t work any WORSE, right? <br /><br />I’m trying to remember that if I really want to change my life, I have, have, HAVE to do it incrementally. I have to do it in steps so small that they just become habits over time. And it might take longer than I want it to. Maybe it won’t take me a week to get into the habit of going to bed early; maybe it will take a month. And then it will take more time to get into the habit of getting up early – every day, even on weekends, because it’s just a HABIT. And then I can start thinking about using that time to exercise. That doesn’t mean I can’t walk or run or get some exercise in the meantime; it just means I’m not going to beat myself up for not GETTING UP AT 5AM 6 DAYS A WEEK AND RUNNING 3 MILES EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY. <br /><br />Because THAT voice is fucking INSANE. <br /><br />But doing this in teeny, tiny steps also means that I get to celebrate each individual step as a victory: as a promise kept. And you know what that builds, right? Self-esteem. And self-esteem repairs the 3rd chakra. And I’m hoping that THAT will cause me to drop some weight. We’ll see. (Hell, even if I don’t drop weight, I’ll be happier. That should be even BETTER than losing weight, right? That’s what I hear, anyway. LOL)<br /><br />I have some more thinking to do about this. Maybe I’ll actually make some resolutions this New Year’s. (S.M.A.R.T. ones: Specific, Measurable, Attainable . . . I don’t remember what the R and the T stand for. I’ll have to look it up.) They’ll just be a little belated. ;)Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-53288570686178073532008-01-01T18:47:00.000-08:002008-01-01T19:50:00.273-08:00The Third Chakra, Self-Esteem and FeminismOk, I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now. I was reading the other day about self-esteem and the third chakra: about how we strengthen our 3rd chakra by honoring our promises to ourselves, and in honoring those promises we build our self-esteem. Basically, it boils down to this: if you make yourself a promise or set a goal, and you follow through with it, your self-esteem increases. “Hey, I accomplished something! I am strong enough to see things through! I can do this! Yay, me!” And of course, every time you think that, you become more likely to follow through on your next promise or goal. It’s like a snowball: every time it turns over, it picks up a little more snow.<br /><br />It also works the other way, though. If you say to yourself, “Tomorrow I will DEFINITELY do some sort of exercise for half an hour, even if I just walk around the block 4 or 5 times,” and then you don’t follow through, your self-esteem decreases. And again, that snowball picks up a little more snow every time it rolls over, until “Damn, I forgot to exercise” becomes, “Why even bother? I never stick to my goals anyway, because I have no fucking self-discipline at all. Where’s the ice cream?”<br /><br />On a personal level, I find that as my self-esteem drops, I gain weight. I used to think it was because I hated myself so much for being fat (or what I perceive as fat) that I punished myself by STAYING fat. (Which of course, made me hate myself more, so I punished myself more, so I hated myself more . . . ad infinitum.) Now I know that as I lose self-esteem, I’m actually losing energy through my 3rd chakra. It’s like a hole in the bottom of a bottle: the energy comes in through the top of my head, down through my body, but when it hits that 3rd chakra, it just starts pouring out. There’s a little left to drop into my 2nd and 1st chakras, but not much, which in turn means that those 2 chakras are hurting, as well.<br /><br />I’ve come to think that the weight I carry (which is mostly around my 3rd chakra) is really my spirit trying to stop up that hole. My spirit can see that I’m not doing the energetic work to heal the leak from the inside, so my body gains weight as a last-ditch attempt to keep that energy from leaking out. In other words, the only way to get rid of the fat that makes me hate myself so much is to start feeling better about myself (thus stopping the energy drain), REGARDLESS of what weight I’m carrying. How ironic. :P<br /><br />Since arriving at that conclusion, I’ve been reading (and sometimes re-reading) a lot of fat-acceptance and feminist blogs as well as books on self-esteem, and the other day, I had another “connect-the-dots” moment. Bear with me here, because I haven’t articulated it fully (even to myself) until now.<br /><br />I find it interesting that we (as women) live in a society where the standard of beauty that we expect to and/or are expected to adhere to is generally impossible. Since we are constantly trying to be something that most of us will never be, we are by default constantly failing. We set unrealistically low weight goals, we set unrealistically high nutrition and exercise goals, and when we don’t accomplish or stick to those goals, we feel like failures. And energetically, we are. Here’s the really horrific thing about that cycle: our energetic system, our spiritual anatomy, if you will, doesn’t recognize the difference between realistic, unrealistic, and “oh-my-god-have-you-lost-your-mind-that’s-IMPOSSIBLY unrealistic.” Our energy anatomy* (EA) recognizes two things: the goal you set/ promise you made, and whether or not you accomplished/kept it. That’s it. No more, no less. If you set a goal to weigh 92 pounds, your EA only recognizes that you didn’t get there. It doesn’t recognize (in the third chakra) that it would have been BAD to get there, and that not getting there is a good thing. It just registers that you broke your promise to yourself.<br /><br />And again, I come back to the idea that most of us can’t look like celebrities. But whom do we want to emulate? Celebrities. We are operating, from the time we are little girls, all through puberty and adolescence, into adulthood, with a constant drain on our self-esteem, because we can’t accomplish the goals we are setting for ourselves. And guess what happens? Our bodies try to stop the leaks, which of course, makes us hate ourselves even more. We are living in a society whose expectations create a DEFAULT setting in women of low self-esteem. That is our DEFAULT emotional and energetic state. It’s not an aberration, it’s not a fluke, it’s not the case in a few, isolated women. It is the (say it with me, here) DEFAULT. We are leaking energy in a veritable flood.<br /><br />It’s an interesting thing to think about. Horrifying, but interesting.<br /><br />On a final note, if working on your self-esteem for your own sake seems like too big a task, then think about this: do you have a daughter? Do you hope to someday? Is there any little girl on the planet that you sort of kind of like? If the answer to any of those questions is “yes,” (as it is for me), then what are we modeling for these little girls? When I think of it in those terms, I have to admit that I find reserves of strength and determination in myself that amaze me. I don’t want the little girl I’m thinking of to grow up in a state of constant energetic loss, but unless I can heal myself, I can’t help her.<br /><br />::::sigh:::: I’ve tried to end this 5 different times, but my brain is so busy now that I don’t know how to finish it. So this is the (rather abrupt) end. ;)<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />*The term “energy anatomy” comes from Carolyn Myss. Credit where it’s due, and all that. :)Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-14451108406468592552007-12-27T07:08:00.000-08:002007-12-27T07:12:16.745-08:00Buying into "The Fantasy of Being Thin"Over at Shapely Prose, the lovely Kate Harding has a fan-fucking-tastic post called <a href="http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/">“The Fantasy of Being Thin.” </a> Some excerpts:<br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">Overcoming The Fantasy of Being Thin might be the hardest part of making it all the way into fat acceptance-land. And that might just be why I’d pushed that part of the process out of my memory: it fucking sucked. Because I didn’t just have to accept the size of my thighs; I had to accept who I am, rather than continuing to wait until I magically became the person I’d always imagined being. Ouch.<br />. . .<br /><br />But when I was invested in The Fantasy of Being Thin, I really believed that changing this one “simple” (ha!) thing would unlock a whole new identity — this totally fabulous, free-spirited, try-anything-once kind of chick who was effortlessly a magnet for interesting people and experiences. And of course, the dark side of that is that being fat then became an excuse not to do much of anything, because it wouldn’t be the real me doing it, so what was the point? If I wouldn’t find the right guy until I was thin, why bother dating? If I wouldn’t have a breakthrough on the novel until I was thin, why bother writing? If I wouldn’t be the life of the party until I was thin, why bother trying to make new friends? If I wouldn’t feel like climbing a mountain until I was thin, why bother traveling at all?<br /></span><br />I was thinking about this and about the idea that our weight is directly tied to our emotions: fears, resentments, happy events, whatever. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that for me, there is another layer to the Fantasy: what happens if (when) I lose all that weight and discover that there is no Fantasy-Thin person in there? What if I’m still me?<br /><br />Obviously I KNOW that intellectually. And yet, if I dig deep, I find myself with this crippling fear: if I lost 20 pounds or 30 pounds or even 5 or 10, and I still didn’t have what I thought I would have by default (because you know, I’m THIN now, right?), then I would have nothing left to blame. If I don’t book an acting job, I can’t say, “It’s because I’m too fat.” (Not the best example, maybe – in acting, you might not be cast because they don’t like your HAIR COLOR or because you’re an inch taller than the leading man, but those are not my preferred methods of deflecting blame – ha!) But if I feel unattractive to men, I can blame being fat. If I don’t get up and exercise, I can say it’s because I’m so fat, so why bother? There are a lot of “why bother”s: why bother eating well? Why bother exercising? Why bother examining my emotions or taking steps forward in my career or my relationships or anything else? <br /><br />I joke sometimes that I’m afraid of both succeeding AND failing, and I’m not entirely kidding (although I’m trying to stop saying that, since I know my brain believes everything it hears). But as I look at the post above, I know that I’m not really afraid of both: I’m just afraid of failure. I hate feeling like a failure now, but what I’m REALLY afraid of, and why the Fantasy is so insidious is: what if I have everything I ever thought I need to be successful (which of course really means: what if I lost all this weight) – and I still fail? If I have nothing to blame for my failure, then (in my head) that means that I am INHERENTLY a failure. And THAT is a tough fear to face.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-38708659876411569712007-12-23T20:01:00.000-08:002007-12-23T20:02:48.957-08:00Be Careful What You Wish ForSome time ago, I was presented with this idea:<br />“There is a voice in your head that we all have: the voice that tells us we’re not doing things right, that we’re too young/old/fat/thin/smart/stupid, the voice that is afraid of being embarrassed in front of others. That voice is not you.<br /><br />But if we are “hearing” that voice, then what are we hearing it with? What is the part of us that quietly listens to everything that 1st voice has to say? THAT is us. That is the Spirit, the Energy, the Universal Consciousness, whatever you want to call it: that is the “still, small voice within.” <br /><br />In Religious Science terms, the first voice is the Ego, and the second presence (for it can’t really be called a voice) is the part of us that is God. RS believes that we are manifestations of God (not children of God), and that all unhappiness is borne out of the misguided belief that we are separate from God (or whatever you want to call it). <br /><br />The Ego is the part that lives according to everyday, human laws and illusions. It is the part that believes we are never enough. (Historically, many churches have incorporated this voice into their doctrines, believing that we are unworthy of the love of God, when nothing could be further from the truth, according to RS: we are God loving itself so much that we are made manifest out of pure love.)<br /><br />I feel like I have to say all this, because I’ve been trying not to just stuff my emotions back into my body with food. (See previous post.) The result of that is that emotional issues start to rise up out of my unconscious, and I have to deal with them and let them go. I’ve been crying for 3 straight days. (I’m going to look GREAT on Christmas. :P) The really tough part is that I don’t even always know why I’m crying – in fact, I usually don’t have any idea where the hell it’s coming from. I feel like I’m grieving, but I don’t know what I’m missing. <br /><br />And of course, every time something comes up, as I start to deal with it, I move a little closer to releasing it; to becoming enlightened (for lack of a better word). As that happens though, I start having to deal with TWO sets of issues: the emotional issue at hand, and the fact that the Ego doesn’t know the difference between transformation and annihilation. So the Ego fights for its life. Those voices of lack, limitation and doubt just get louder and more insistent, until there is a constant agitation in my soul. I feel it at the top of my spine, as though the muscles there are twitching constantly. I just want to crawl into a hole, sleep, eat, drink, ANYTHING to make the restlessness stop. <br /><br />It helps if I can remember to think of the agitation as an old belief or thought-pattern that is afraid of being destroyed. If I can hold on to that concept, then when the voices are screaming through my head like energetic vampires, I can find that still part of me: that part that listens to the voices, and I can remember that THAT is the real me, and that this unbearable screaming restless agitation is the death throes of an old, hurting, fearful part of me. If I can hang on to that, if I can speak to the scared and hurting part of my soul with compassion and understanding, telling it that I know this is scary, but that it will pass: that it too, shall be transformed and not annihilated – then I can ride out the storm.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-69553768100332480182007-12-18T18:18:00.000-08:002007-12-18T18:49:42.381-08:00Begin at the beginningSo I was looking at that last post, contemplating what it would mean if all my weight problems (over-, under-, obsessions, compulsions, etc.) were entirely due to emotional issues and fears and beliefs. I started thinking about being a little kid who was fat . . . and then I realized . . . I’ve seen pictures of myself. I was not a fat kid. I wasn’t even a fat teenager (so I can’t blame puberty, LOL). I was an UNACCEPTED child, I was a kid who didn’t fit in even with the nerds, and that did its own sort of emotional damage – but I was not a fat kid.<br /><br />So I asked myself, when did I start gaining weight? I started in college, I thought, my first year away from home. But the more I thought about that, the more I realized that although that’s when I started gaining weight, it wasn’t really the beginning. If I’m honest I would have started gaining while I was in junior college, but I was so physically active that I burned off everything I ate (which, ahem, wasn’t much).<br /><br />I started college when I was 14. That probably saved me from far worse emotional damage, so starting college wasn’t the problem. In fact, college in itself wasn’t a problem at all. But when I started, I’d never been liked by my peers in primary education. I’d never been anything but reviled by them, actually, and I wasn't sure college would be any different. As it turned out, school was big enough that no one cared what I wore, who I talked to, what I ate for lunch. I didn't get harrassed, but I also didn't really make any friends. So after a year of invisibility (which is better than being hated, but not much), I decided I wanted to be popular. I was a dance major at first, and the dance majors were a small group of people who were always together, and fresh out of high school themselves.<br /><br />Here’s the thing, and I think, the beginning: the person I was, wasn’t going to be popular. So I sat back and watched the popular girls during the fall semester that I was 15 (I’d already been there, invisible, for a year). I sat close enough to hear what they talked about, I knew what the alliances were and where the power lay in the group. I learned everything I possibly could learn by just being nearby. And during the Spring semester, I befriended one of the girls who was lower on the totem pole. I talked about the “right” things, laughed at the “right” jokes, etc, etc. Anyone who’s ever been to high school knows the drill. And I got what I wanted. I spent the next year and a half at the top of the food chain, having become genuinely good friends with the “pack leader,” so to speak. Yay. :P<br /><br />But what I learned from all of that was that I was not enough. By myself, I was not interesting, attractive, smart (despite being in college at 14), funny, witty, etc. I could PRETEND to be those things, but I wasn’t really those things naturally. I didn’t know it at the time, but I would pretend throughout my college “career:” through 7 years and 3 colleges, I would always be someone else, because I never wanted to be “me” again. Eventually the pretending would become a compulsion to lie, about anything and everything, and I would be several years out of college before I was able to break that behavior pattern.<br /><br />The interesting thing (at least to me) about my weight is that I gain weight primarily in my stomach: from the bottom of my rib cage, down through the bottom of my belly. (My upper ribs remain tiny all the time. It’s a little weird.) But that area corresponds to the 2nd and 3rd chakras. The 2nd chakra represents the power dynamic of our interpersonal relationships and how we relate to money, sex and power. The 3rd chakra represents our self-esteem: whether we take care of ourselves, honor ourselves, honor our commitments to ourselves.<br /><br />So in my case, I have problems around my 2nd and 3rd chakras – not just weight, but back problems, stomach issues, etc. And the reason I have those problems (according to energetic medicine) is that I’m violating those two areas: the 2nd, because I’m not being honest with others, and I’m lying in order to gain power. The 3rd, because I’m denying my essential self, and denying that who I am is “good enough.” Even though I'm not lying anymore, and not pretending, I still don't think I'm "good enough," and I still haven't really let go of the NEED to pretend: just the practice of pretending (most of the time).<br /><br />So now I have to work on healing that time in my life. (I’m hoping I can deal with my issues chronologically, because God knows I’ve tried just dealing with the emotional issues as they come up, and it’s been pretty hit-and-miss.)Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-64750203555890519092007-12-13T12:16:00.000-08:002007-12-13T12:26:37.169-08:00Stuffing, Starving and Sleeping<p>I either stuff, starve or sleep. That’s how I have always dealt with emotions that make me uncomfortable. I stuff myself with junk food until the serotonin rush kicks in and I feel better, or I starve myself until the hunger gives way to euphoria and I can just float through life OR I just go to bed for hours at a time and hope that I will be able to handle my life when I wake up (note to self: more on sleep as transformation in another post). <br /><br />I’ve been reading a lot of other posts lately on various blogs talking about your body’s natural set point for weight: about how it REALLY IS POSSIBLE to feed two people the same average calorie intake and they can still maintain wildly different weights. There was at least one study done that found people who dieted down to “normal” weights from “obese” weights did NOT subsequently have the same chemical makeup as “normal” people: they had the chemical makeup of people who were starving, even though their weight was normal. (I’ll see if I can find the link; if so, I’ll post it here.)<br /><br />A lot of that makes sense to me. I know for a couple of years I gained weight eating 800 calories a day, and exercising for an hour, 5 days a week. Today, I eat a lot more than 800 calories, hardly ever exercise (although I’m trying to get back into the habit, because I just feel better when I do), and weigh about 30 pounds less than I did then. (And I haven’t started taking thyroid meds, or had weight-loss surgery or any of that stuff.) Even a slowed-down, starvation-style metabolism can’t account for a weight GAIN during the 800-calorie period. But the total embrace of a “set-point” doesn’t account for the fact that after several years at the same weight, and without really trying, I dropped 30 pounds, have kept it off for several MORE years, and that recently I have started dropping weight again without really trying.<br /><br />I’ve done a lot of reading on energetics and all that woo-woo stuff, though (which I totally believe in, so I’m allowed to use the term “woo-woo”), and one of the things I’ve read over and over regarding weight is that our weight (whether over- or under-) corresponds directly to the things in our lives and psyches that we don’t want to deal with.<br /><br />Yeah, yeah, I know: DUH. <br /><br />But it’s not really a “duh,” because in the energetic world, it’s not a GENERAL correlation (like, “When I’m stressed, I eat and that’s why I gain weight”) – it’s a specific one (like, “My parents were unloving, so I unconsciously padded myself to keep from breaking”). There’s a reason we call it “emotional baggage:” we literally are carrying it on our bodies, and the more “baggage” we have around a certain event, the more weight we lose when we resolve that event. I have to admit that I’ve found any sustained weight-loss for me correlates directly with dealing with emotional issues that I had buried for years: anger at individuals, fears about my life, etc. When I’ve resolved those – and I mean REALLY resolved them, not just intellectually understood them – the weight just falls off, until I hit the next plateau and have new (old) issues to resolve. <br /><br />So I’m thinking/wondering if/almost convinced that our “set points” aren’t really about calories or genetics* or the food we eat. Our set points are determined by how much of our life we’re hurt by and how much of that hurt we haven’t let go of. It’s inheritable because we internalize our families’ fears and beliefs (even when we think we’ve “gotten over” them, we usually haven’t – sometimes we have, but not always). <br /><br />I think it’s an interesting proposition. I know that in the past, it’s been true for me. And I also know that sometimes finding what issue it is that I’m holding on to is incredibly hard: sometimes because I don’t want to deal with it, and sometimes just because there are SO MANY issues that it’s hard to pin one down, LOL. But I’ve noticed that when I make peace with stuff, I drop weight. When I re-own things, I gain weight. And what I’m putting in my mouth (or not, as the case may be) seems to have very little to do with it. </p><p> </p><p>*I’m also of the opinion that we sometimes inherit family issues on an energetic level, not just a learned level, and that our genetic makeup is related to our soul-genetics, so to speak. In other words, if you believe something strongly enough, it will affect your body, up to and including your DNA, which you then pass on to your kids (along with the belief/fear). If the kid resolves the belief/fear, the DNA may or may not re-alter, but either way their odds of getting sick from it are pretty much nil.<br />I told you I was weird. You were warned. ;)</p>Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-38814668434913490942007-12-06T11:20:00.000-08:002007-12-06T11:22:41.557-08:00Circles and circles and circles and . . . you get the idea.Last night was a bad scene. I’d been feeling restless in my head – that feeling when there are things trying to surface out of my unconscious, but they haven’t quite surfaced yet. So I feel vaguely stressed and unsettled, but I don’t have a reason for it yet. Plus I know whatever’s coming up is something that I don’t want to deal with: that’s the reason it’s been BURIED, for cryin’ out loud.<br /><br />So. I called my mom and talked to her about it. I felt much better after I got off the phone, and so – big mistake – I let my guard down. I got into the tub with a glass of wine, but I left the bottle within reach. Bad idea. I finished the bottle (except for the half-glass I ended up throwing out), along with most of a bag of chips with dip, and a bunch of those French Fried Onions. Oh, and 4 cookies. ::::sigh::::<br /><br />So this morning I feel really gross and bloated. But at the same time, I feel calmer. That’s the addict’s high, right there: I’ve stuffed whatever was trying to come out back into the little black hole it was trying to come out of. ::::sigh:::: This is tough to deal with around the holidays. Most of the year I just don’t keep “trigger foods” in the house. Then, when I want to binge, I flat-out can’t, because there isn’t anything in the house to binge on, except fruits and veggies, which aren’t exactly “binge-friendly” foods, LOL. But during the holidays, I entertain. A lot. So I ALWAYS have food on hand for entertaining, which includes things like cookies in the freezer and chips in the cupboard.<br /><br />It’s funny: I was talking to my mom the other day about how I get so good about packing nutritious lunches and breakfasts, and then I wonder why I can’t drop weight. But the problem isn’t really what I eat at WORK: it’s what I eat when I get HOME. I’ve got the whole thing backwards. I could probably not worry too much about what I eat at work, if I’d plan out my home meals better. :P<br />Aaaanyway. I had weird dreams all night. I dreamed I was being chased by a giant macaw: I’m talking GIANT, like old-1950s-movie-giant. And it was going to eat me alive, swallow me whole, that kind of thing. So I was hiding up in the trees, and then I was hiding in my dead grandmother’s house, except she was alive! And then she wasn’t. And I was crying because I missed her so much, and then I woke up. ::::sigh:::: And I had a HUGE glass of water and went back to bed. When I woke up this morning, I just felt sad and tired, but still with that weird calmness that comes from avoiding conscious introspection. :P I did start writing down in my calendar which days I felt restless and stressed, and then that I binged last night. I’m wondering if there’s a predictable pattern: 4 days calm, 4 days stressed and a binge on the 9th day, or something like that. If there is, I can at least see it coming and maybe head it off a little better. The downside of that is that I have to go through the cycle a couple of times, and I’ve been trying NOT to go through the cycle. Actually, last night was the first night I’ve had like that in a long time. So we’ll see what happens. I think I’m going to hide out in bed with a journal this weekend and see how it goes.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-49762973991560987972007-12-05T16:07:00.000-08:002007-12-05T16:16:50.472-08:00New stuffI think I have to preface this: I totally believe in a lot of things people think are completely bizarre. I’m just giving you an FYI, so that if you think I’m nuts, you won’t bother trying to tell me so. I think a lot of things are true that are outside the mainstream, but I’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of research, and I’m comfortable with my conclusions. So there you go.<br /><br />I’ve gained a lot of weight. Well, not a WHOLE lot – after I was sick, I only weighed about 155, and now I’m back up to 173. Before I was sick, I was about 169, so overall that’s only a 4 pound weight gain, right? ::::sigh:::: Except that I kept the rest of it off until Christmas last year. And then I maintained at 161/162 until April, when my grandma died. And then it just all went to hell in a handbasket. So even from my “maintain,” I’ve gained more than 10 pounds. Geez.<br /><br />I’ve tried various diets, but since I eat emotionally, they don’t always (::::cough, cough:::: EVER) work. So I’ve just been trying to pay attention to they way I feel when I eat, when I’m hungry, when I’m bored, etc., etc., etc. When I was sick, I got the chance to work on a lot of emotional issues that related to the illness – that was part of the reason I was able to keep the weight off for so long: I was literally getting rid of old entrenched thought patterns. But I must not have gotten rid of them as thoroughly as I thought. ::::rolls eyes:::: I don’t know why I can’t spend 3 weeks unlearning everything that’s been festering in my brain for the last 30 years – that just doesn’t seem fair. Ha! <br /><br />In the 12-step world, they use the acronym HALT for anytime you want to drink, use, eat, have sex (whatever your addiction happens to be). It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. You’re supposed to ask yourself if you are any of those things when you feel like “slipping.” “Tired” always fit me, but “Angry” and “Lonely” never really did. And it makes sense to eat when you’re tired: not from a nutritional standpoint, but from the standpoint of a body that has to run on SOMETHING, and it’ll take a blood-sugar spike as a substitute for sleep if it has to.<br /><br />But recently I found a different list. The principle was the same, but it was phrased a little differently, and geared toward food specifically. Here’s the list to the best of my recollection (because of course I can’t remember where I found it now).<br /><br />Are you hungry? If not:<br />What are you stuffing?<br />What are you burying?<br />What are you not saying?<br />What are you trying to keep from saying? [That’s different from “not saying,” btw.]<br />What are you trying to keep from feeling?<br />What are you hiding from?<br /><br />Wherever I found it, the woman (why is it always women who go through this horseshit? – Don’t answer. I already know) was talking about how she wasn’t really changing her eating habits consciously. She was just running down that list every time she ate something and wasn’t hungry. She had a really funny bit about downing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s while thinking about what she was burying. But just the fact of thinking about it caused her to slowly decrease how much she was eating for stress relief. She found that by thinking about the issue itself, EVEN IF SHE BINGED WHILE SHE DID IT, she felt less of a need for the food. It was really interesting.<br /><br />Since I’m an emotional eater, I figured I’d give it a shot. It seems to be working; I haven’t lost any weight yet, but I feel vaguely unsettled and I want to do/eat things I haven’t wanted since I was a kid. My emotional issues are all centered around childhood and the fear of being an adult and taking care of myself (even though I’ve BEEN an adult for a while, LOL), so it makes a weird sort of sense that I’d want to do little kid things. I’ve been craving hot chocolate and last night I watched Disney’s Cinderella for the first time in more than 10 years. And I’m tired all the time: that’s another sign for me that things are stirring in my unconscious, because I also hide from things by sleeping. <br /><br />The thing I keep coming back to, when I’m standing there with a cookie, telling myself sternly, “you can only eat this if you figure out WHY you want it, and ‘because it tastes good’ is NOT a reason,” is that I want to be taken care of. I want someone to feed me milk and cookies and tuck me in and check under my bed for monsters before the light goes out. ::::sigh:::: The funny thing is, I don’t really want the kind of life that would entail. I could theoretically put myself in a SAHM situation. But I don’t want that, either. I wouldn’t want my mother’s life – especially the part about staying home with the kids! I like working, I like my independence, I like all that stuff. <br /><br />But those two desires cannot exist in the same mind without making you a little nuts: I want my independence, but I want someone to take care of me. Nope, can’t have both. One of them has to die. But I’ve been ignoring my own paradox, and literally stuffing the voice that says, “This thought pattern isn’t possible.” I’ve been eating myself into a stupor so that I don’t have to face the fact that it’s time to let some old fears go. (And in the past, when I’ve dieted, I’ve just used alcohol instead of food to get to the same stupor.) It’s time to let go of the fear that I can’t support myself. It’s time to let go of the fear that I can’t take care of myself emotionally. <br /><br />Actually, writing all this out helps tremendously. I’m thinking that instead of asking myself that list of questions every time I reach for a cookie or a piece of pizza or a glass of wine, I’m just going to say, “I can take care of myself.” And then, if I still want whatever it is, I’ll still have to run through the list to figure out exactly WHY. Something tells me that this will be a long process – and I’m an instant-gratification girl, so that’s why I usually don’t make it through long-process solutions – but I have to remember that I’ve got 30 years of thought-patterns to overcome. Those fears have already worn deep grooves in my brain, and before I can even change them, I have to haul them up out of those grooves. I didn’t get here overnight, and I won’t get out overnight – but with some self-awareness, it doesn’t have to take 30 more years, either.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-1157750241169618122006-09-08T14:16:00.000-07:002006-09-08T14:17:21.186-07:0099.44% HealthyRemember those Ivory commercials? ::::sings:::: “Gotta be ninety-nine point FORTY-four! Got a clean as real as Ivory . . . “ Yeah, I watched WAY too much TV growing up. <br /><br />Anyway, I’m not dead, and I don’t even wish that I were, anymore. Since everyone and their mother apparently knows what it was at this point, I might as well post it here: I had an anal fissure. And god-DAMN, that hurt! Someone told me that the feeling is very similar to severe hemmorhoids, so all you mommies know what that’s like. And what it’s NOT like, is fun. Nothing at all like fun. Ick. <br /><br />Anyway, I went to the acupuncturist and she gave me some stuff to take and basically said, “Go home, lie down and don’t eat solid foods for a while. And when you do start eating, eat lots of steamed veggies, but not a lot of anything else.” So that’s what I did. And lo and behold, no surgery and I feel lots better! Whew! I’m not a fan of getting cut open, if I can avoid it. :P Unfortunately, I developed some skin tags (which I guess is pretty common with this), and those WILL have to get cut off surgically. Damn. I almost dodged that bullet. But it won’t be any big deal. <br /><br />I saw a “regular” doctor last week, and he was pretty shocked that the fissure had healed itself, which was kind of funny. It always cracks me up when allopathic doctors are surprised that something else works, too. ::::shakes head:::: Ah, well. It’s not TOTALLY healed, so he gave me some nitroglycerin to apply topically and said to come back in 2 months: 6 weeks of nitro, 2 weeks to get it out of my system, and then we’ll talk about surgery. But he was pretty amazed that it had healed at all. He said he could actually tell how deep it had been, and said that if he’d seen me first, he would’ve put me into surgery post-haste. As it was, he ended up taking my acupuncturist’s card to refer other patients! Ha! <br /><br />So that’s the upshot. I went back to work yesterday, and although I’m a little tender after sitting on my butt for the last two days (office jobs will do that), I’m ok. I just go home and lay down and watch TV all night. I never thought I’d be able to rationalize laziness as good for me! LOL <br /><br />I also have a whole list of dietary restrictions now, too. I lived on broth and juice for about 3 weeks and lost almost 20 pounds when it was all said and done, so now I’m trying to keep the weight off! The fact that my diet is SEVERELY limited from here on out will help with that, I’m sure! I can’t eat any more dairy (although I did get some leeway for cream in my morning coffee, after I begged and pleaded!) – in fact, it was probably when I started eating more nonfat dairy that the fissure started developing. I’d actually been told by a few holistic doctors that I needed to lay off the dairy, but I didn’t have the motivation to do it. Boy do I have the motivation now, though! LOL I’m also severely restricted on grains. No bread, no sugar, all that kind of stuff. Oatmeal is ok, and the occasional piece of bread (VERY occasional), but as a rule it’s all out. So I’ll be eating a lot of veggies and fruit, with a little chicken and fish. (The holistic doctor said, “You’re looking at 80% fruits and veggies, maybe steamed with some olive oil, about 15% chicken or fish and 5% for everything else.”) <br /><br />But I’m actually glad for all this: I lost some weight and actually have the motivation to take care of myself, which means I’ll keep it off. Plus, not only will I be skinnier, I’ll be healthier. And since I spent the last few weeks on broth and juice, most of my cravings have been cleared out of my system, which is VERY cool. I basically detoxed my system because I was trying to get well. Nice. :)<br /><br />Monday I start a permanent, part-time position at Disney. Woo-hoo! I work 9-3, M-F, but I can adjust my hours for auditions if I need to, which is very cool. Plus, I get a park pass! I’m stoked on that!! My sister and I have been buying season tickets every year, but this way I can get us both in for free! Hee! ::::happy dance, happy dance:::: There are a few dates we can’t go, but not many, so YAY!!! I LOVE Disneyland! <br /><br />And in other news, I had signed up for an online dating service last year. I went on a few dates with a few people, but nothing really worked out, and I pretty much stopped looking. I kept the account active because it was free and I liked hanging out in the forums, but I wasn’t really looking anymore. And then I started talking to this guy who also posted a lot in the forums. I knew he was smart and well-written just from reading what he had to say on various subjects, but I never really bothered contacting him, because he lives in Virginia. But it finally happened that we got to talking one day, and just really got along well. We were writing these crazy long emails every night, and when we started talking on the phone, it was just as ridiculous: we’re on the phone for 2 and 3 hours at a time. So, the long and short of it is that he’s coming out here next Wednesday for 10 days. I’m really excited – I figure the worst thing that can happen is that it won’t work out romantically (can’t make the distance work, lack of chemistry, whatever), and I’ll end up with a really close friend. Obviously, I hope we hit it off, but even if we don’t, I figure any scenario where the worst thing that happens is that I make a new friend must be a pretty damn good one. <br /><br />So yay. :)<br /><br />Aaaaanyway, that’s life for the last month or so. I’ll try and start posting regularly again, now that I’m back from the land of “I-wish-I-was-dead.” <br /><br />And I’ll be around to everyone’s blogs to catch up and say hello!Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-1155676604629161422006-08-15T14:16:00.000-07:002006-08-15T14:16:44.656-07:00Fun with doctorsWell, that embarrassing butt problem I had last time I wrote? That got SO much worse last week. I woke up in the middle of the night and almost barfed, I hurt so much. And that’s saying a lot for me: I have a REALLY high pain tolerance for internal problems. My mom came up on Thursday to stay with me, and we got an appointment to see a Chinese doctor (well, an American doctor who practices Chinese medicine) on Friday. I literally lied in bed all day Thursday and tried not to cry. Mom took me to the doctor on Friday and she asked a million questions, looked at my tongue and took my pulse. I got some herbal Chinese remedy to help stimulate the <em>chi</em> in my digestive system, refresh my spleen, my stomach, my kidneys, my liver. It’s in a pill form, which I was grateful for. Sometimes they make you brew these nasty teas and drink them. :P The pills don’t smell too bad, though, and they seem to be helping. I also had some acupuncture, which was weird, but SO helpful, and I’m scheduled for 4 more treatments. <br /><br />So . . . I’m still hurting, but I’m sort of functional. I’m at work for 4 hours today, after being out Thursday, Friday and Monday. (Although I told them I was in the hospital – people tend to treat that with more gravitas than when you tell them you’re seeing a Chinese doctor.) <br /><br />But this is a short post, because I’m exhausted. Being in constant pain will do that to you. :P On the up side, I lost 8 pounds this week!! (Yeah, I know it’s fucked-up to be excited about that, but I’m trying to look on the bright side, here! LOL)Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-1154833489451623702006-08-05T19:50:00.000-07:002006-08-05T20:07:01.780-07:00What goes up, must come downOk, so the whole job thing that started out so well may not be going so well. I was supposed to start Monday in a permanent, part-time position, but apparently since I'm technically in a different job title, they can keep me as a full-time temporary employee for another 6 months. My supervisor delivered the news in such a cheerful, "Isn't that great?" manner that I was stunned and spluttered something like, "Well, um, ok, I think I could swing that . . . " Stupid, stupid. I need to learn the following words: "I need to think about it." Simple words, really. But not the ones I used.<br /><br />My reasoning in the heat of the moment was that if they're really willing to let me go for auditions and such, that'd be great, but the job schedule is a schedule I HATE, and I know that last year when I was doing extra work one day a week, they got annoyed after a few weeks, even though I'd SAID I needed to do that going in. So I'm not holding out much hope that they'll be totally kosher with my taking off in the middle of the day to audition if I'm working 8 hours instead of 6. (See, if I work a total of 6, I can take off for 2 hours in the middle of the day to audition, and still work all the hours I'm "supposed" to. If I'm "supposed" to work 8 though, and I'm gone 2 hours in the middle of the day, I'm NOT working all the hours they want me to.)<br /><br />So I'm going in on Monday to basically say that we're both changing the rules: the job they offered initially is NOT what they're saying now (and if they'd offered me the job on the contingency that I work for another 6 months full-time, I'd have turned it down), and I said I'd work full-time through January, but I can't. So the compromise I'll offer is to work full-time until the existing employee leaves, and have them switch me over after that. She's looking for work right now, so I'd guess I'll have a month, maybe two of working full-time, and then switch to part-time. I'll still have to audition, so that's not going to change, and they'll have to deal with that. Obviously I'll be a little more diplomatic, though. It won't get me very far to go in and rant uncontrollably. :P<br /><br />In other news, I've managed to develop a rather painful, embarrassing butt condition. (I wouldn't even share this, but I think most of you who read this have kids and/or are old enough to have them, and God knows nothing's sacred after that! LOL) It's not hemorrhoids, but Mom tells me it's pretty much the same feeling. Great. I can't sit, I can't stand, and God forbid I go to the doctor. But I looked it up on the internet, and the main treatment is surgery, which is so NOT happening!!! So I've been laying around, taking homeopathy and using various over-the-counter medications ranging from toothache medicine (benzocaine to cut the pain) and aloe vera (to promote healing).<br /><br />On the plus side, I haven't been eating solid food particularly (because the result of food is poo, and poo HURTS), which means that I've lost about 4 pounds in the last several days. I know it'll come back as soon as I start eating again, but in the meantime, it makes me feel better. I might as well get SOMETHING out of this fucking misery.<br /><br />For cryin' out loud . . . . Just shoot me now.Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-1154102062712088682006-07-28T08:53:00.000-07:002006-07-28T08:54:22.723-07:00I got the job!I pretty much knew I’d get called in for the interviews and all that, but that didn’t even happen. I talked to the Sr VP yesterday afternoon and he offered me the job outright. So next week I’ll work 40 hours as a temp, and the following Monday I’ll start in a permanent, part-time position. I’m pretty stoked. :) I’ll be working with the existing Assistant until she leaves in January, so I’ll have a good 5 months to get acclimated and learn whatever work I don’t already know how to do, which is cool – especially since I’m working in the Legal dept, I’d hate to run into a situation and NOT know what to do. That could get hairy. <br /><br />It’s just a little weird how fast everything fell into place. Don’t misunderstand; the layoffs are HORRIBLE. But as far as my situation is concerned, it worked out really well. I just wish my good fortune didn’t come at the expense of someone else. :PMarstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27492883.post-1154027784456500112006-07-27T12:16:00.000-07:002006-07-27T12:16:24.476-07:00Coming up for airThe last two weeks have been crazy. I spent last week at home – everyone was gone but my mom and me, and we both had loads of cleaning out to do. I spent the whole week going through old stuff from my room and either throwing it out or giving it away. Lordy. Most of it was easy to get rid of, but there were a few things I had a hard time with. Old stuff from college, stuff I’d gotten from my then-best-friend, that kind of thing. I couldn’t even bring myself to touch my dance bag. I know there are 8 or 10 pairs of dance shoes in there, most of which I’ll never wear again, but still. I kept thinking, “I really need to clean that out,” and the thought of it would make me teary. Guess I’m not totally ready to let go of that stuff yet. So in the bag it all remains, at least for now. <br /><br />Mom was cleaning out a bunch of stuff while Dad and Baby Sis were gone, so we’d work all day and then collapse at night with a movie (and some pizza or Chinese food – the diet went all to hell last week). <br /><br />I’ve also been working a temporary job at The Walt Disney Studios, and my assignment is about to be over. I should be done sometime next week, but it suddenly looks like I might be staying longer. When I got back this week (after taking last week off), I found out that there were HUGE layoffs going on. The Admin. Assistant for the Sr VP of the Legal dept (where I’m working) was among the layoffs, as was another one in the Legal dept. They’re going to take 2 full-time secretarial positions and turn them into 1 part-time position. It sounds like a lot, but in reality, both those positions (by the assistants’ own admittance) were about 30% work and 70% trying to look busy because there wasn’t really enough work to do. The new position would be 12-6, M-F, which would be a really good schedule for me at the moment, and the total pay would be about what I’m making working full-time through the temp agency now (at 40 hrs/week). Aaaaaaand, I like everyone here, and they all seem to like me a lot too, so I’m first in line for the job if I want it. <br /><br />They actually offered me this position before the layoffs, and I had turned it down, because I was thinking I’d need full days free to do background work in order to get my union card for acting. But since that time, I’ve gotten an agent, which means I’ll need a couple of hours here and there to audition, but not full days off, since I have every intention of getting my union card by working commercials. And if I had a job like this, it’d pay my bills, so anything I made from a commercial (which pays $1000-$80,000/year, depending on the commercial and the distribution) would just go straight to my bank account/stock account. I could buy a house in 3 or 4 years! That would be AWESOME! So I talked to my supervisor the other day and said that since things had changed with the agent situation, I’d be interested if that position opened up. And that was BEFORE I heard about the Admin. Assistants getting laid off! ::::Shakes head:::: <br /><br />So I might be staying at Disney. Which would be cool. As a part-timer I don’t get ANY benefits: no health, no sick or vacation days, no free park passes, but that’s no different from what I’m getting through the temp agency, so it’s not like I’d be giving anything up. AND I’d be on a studio lot (where there are frequent celebrity sightings, which is SO cool), AND I’d be working for a really cool company, with really cool people. So I’m beginning to get excited. :) <br /><br />Wish me luck. I’ll try and post again sooner than two weeks from now! LOL<br /><br />Oh, I almost forgot!!! I finally cracked that weight plateau: down a total of 11.4 now! :D (And I’m reading a REALLY interesting health book that I’ll talk about later.)Marstehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15961133782050836905noreply@blogger.com4